The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Right now there are only two explanations for a random flying object. It's either aliens or another gender reveal party that's gone way too far.

President Biden had his first in-person meeting with a foreign leader, hosting the prime minister of Japan. When Biden started telling him a story, suddenly the 12-hour flight didn't seem so long.

I read that Subway has been struggling and could be up for sale .... It's hard to say if Subway's problems are from increased competition, changing consumer patterns or maybe, I don't know, their spokesman being imprisoned for pedophelia.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Now, I've always said if you want to get something done, don't become president of the United States.

Yesterday the president announced stiff sanctions on Russia: "Payback time, Vlad! I'm Putin some sanctions on your keister!" 

Experts thought the [Russian] sanctions would come right after the inauguration, but it took longer because "the White House was not satisfied with the options the State Department initially presented." Damn. Biden's ordering off the menu: "Hmm, let's see, I normally get the No. 3 but, I'll tell you what, ask the chef if he can just whip up a quick SEAL Team Six."

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

When a woman in Hollywood pushes back because she feels uncomfortable, or she has an opinion, or she just wants to be heard, she is labelled as "difficult" or "hard to work with." And straight up, that can be the kiss of death to a woman's career. That and aging naturally.

Being "hard to work with" never seems to be a problem if you're a man. Just ask Mel Gibson, whose IMDb page is longer than a CVS receipt. 

If someone like Ariana Grande can't say "Thank U Next" to her haters, where does that leave the rest of us? 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

According to a new study, roughly one third of Americans think the political divide is so deep that they would support splitting up the United States into like-minded regions. Florida is already working on their nation's flag, which will be a pair of jean shorts with an alligator painted on it.

Researchers have discovered that drinking a strong coffee 30 minutes before a workout can help you burn fat more easily. Now here’s a scary thought: imagine a Peloton instructor on caffeine.

Today President Biden signed an executive order declaring a national emergency over the threat from Russia and then hit the country with financial sanctions ... it's just nice to know that we already have our next national emergency locked in, isn't it?

[Regarding the bill demanding more Supreme Courts justices], Nancy Pelosi was adamant she had "no plans to bring it to the floor." But who knows, you know? She says she has no plans to bring it to the floor at every wedding reception, and once she's had two rosés, Earth, Wind & Fire comes on, let me tell you, it's a different story: she brings it to the floor.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[The COVID-19 vaccine promotion is] the first time in American history [when] celebrities and politicians have come together for a "Say Yes to Drugs" campaign.

You almost have to try to catch COVID in Alaska. It’s easier to catch a bald eagle than COVID in Alaska.

The odds of Matt Gaetz going to prison are now higher than his hair.

There are fears that criminals could try to pull off some kind of [COVID-19 vaccine] heist. Which would be a great plot for the next Robert Pattinson Batman movie: Mr. Freeze steals all the vaccines and no one can do anything because he’s the only one that can keep them cold enough!

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Vice President Kamala Harris said yesterday she will travel to Guatemala and Mexico to address the ongoing immigration crisis. She intends to find out once and for all how people like Ted Cruz keep getting back in.

Former president Trump's CDC director, Robert Redfield, has reportedly joined a company named "Big A** Fans," which claims that their home air systems can reduce coronavirus infection. For more information on their products, do not Google it at work.

Taco Bell opened its first digital-only location in the U.S. today, which will require customers to order ahead online or use in-store kiosks. Order ahead?! Taco Bell isn't something you plan for! It's like US magazine at the checkout counter — it's an impulse buy!

Lawmakers in Colorado are considering a new measure that would allow people to turn their bodies into soil after death. It's an important conversation to have with your loved ones, even if it makes you sod.

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And, unfortunately, so has DJ Khaled.

Customers at a Dairy Queen in Minnesota set off a chain reaction of paying for the customer behind them in the drive-thru that lasted for more than 900 people. It’s an inspiring story that ended with one guy being like, "Nope, I’m good."