Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jong Un, who actually describes himself as the Harry Styles of North Korea.

 

Just hours ago, North Korea attempted a missile launch, but as soon as it took off it immediately exploded. North Korea claimed the failed launch was actually just a tribute to Donald Trump's first 100 days in office.

 

As tensions have mounted between the U.S. and North Korea, Vice-President Mike Pence was sent to South Korea, even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea: Florida.

 

In an interview, President Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China's president, saying: "After listening for 10 minutes, I realized it's not so easy." Which part? The North Korea part? Or the listening for 10 minutes part?

 

Health inspectors in Florida have issued 13 violations against President Trump's Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn't too worried since he's built up immunities to most diseases from a lifetime of waiters spitting in his food.

 

The Secret Service requested a $60-million budget increase on top of the $74 million already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That's $134 million for protection. Are you getting them all Iron Man suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in the New York City projects in the crack '80s, and all we had for protection was a pitbull and a praying grandma.

 

Dr. Ben Carson toured a housing complex this week and got stuck in the elevator, where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons.

 

In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday, a passenger on one of their flights was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin. And that was the best thing that happened on a United flight this week.

 

The way worse story, of course, was that this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for United employees. United, your slogan is literally Fly the Friendly Skies. I can't think of anything less appropriate. That's like if Chipotle's slogan was: You're Gonna Have an Easy Time on the Toilet." Though, I will say, in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is: Don't Even Look at Us. After all this, I will never fly United Airlines ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to wherever I'm going. In which case I'll definitely fly United.

 

Police in Austria report that more than one million bees have been stolen from a local park. Or, and hear me out, they just flew away?

 

A new study finds that infants start to show racist tendencies between six and nine months of age. And by the time they're two, they're already yelling at Dora to speak English.

Conan

This week, Jewish people all over the world are celebrating Passover. Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers.

 

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is in Russia, but Russian President Vladimir Putin won't meet with him. Putin said: "Sorry, but I only meet with members of the Trump administration before the election."

 

Someone has come out with a new smart bra that vibrates to tell women about posture and breathing. It also sounds an alarm if Bill O'Reilly walks in the room.

 

Because of the scandals, "The O'Reilly Factor" has lost two-thirds of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him!

 

Astronomers announced that they have found a second red spot on Jupiter. They believe the new spot is a result of hooking up with Neptune.

 

On Monday, the Easter Bunny will make his highly anticipated annual visit to the White House. And get this: so will Melania!

 

After being accused of sexually harassing five women, Bill O'Reilly is going on a vacation to Europe. O'Reilly said he's looking forward to hearing the phrase "you're creeping me out" in seven different languages.

 

United Airlines announced it will no longer use police to remove people from flights. They'll also stop using pepper spray on passengers who ask for a second bag of peanuts.

 

After receiving death threats, the head of the EPA, Scott Pruitt, requested a fleet of round-the-clock bodyguards. Pruitt said: "If I'm going to die, I want it to be from good old-fashioned unregulated coal emissions."

 

A study found that babies as young as six months old can be racist. Or as Steve Bannon calls them, "Prodigies."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is what the [United Airlines] CEO tweeted: "This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United. I apologize for having to reaccommodate these customers." That's right. Reaccommodate! Just like we reaccommodated El Chapo out of Mexico.

 

Neil Gorsuch will start hearing cases next week. Meanwhile, Merrick Garland just got a job as assistant manager at an Arby's in Bethesda. So, it all worked out for everyone.

 

Fresh Express just had to recall a container of Spring Mix because there was a dead bat in the package. And while the company has no idea how the bat got in the bag, they do know that odds of this happening in Florida were exactly 100 percent.

 

That video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and the airline's initial response to it — has turned into an absolute nightmare from a PR perspective. It has been everywhere. Even Pepsi was like: "I wouldn't wanna be you guys this week!"

 

Trump has played 16 rounds of golf in his first 80 days as president. That's one round every five days. You know, you turn on the TV and you hear a lot of people complaining that he's off playing golf instead of working. I don't understand that. I want him off playing golf instead of working! I would like him to join the Senior PGA Tour.

 

The Trump administration, after saying they wanted to cut their funding, actually contacted PBS to ask if they'd provide costumed characters for the [White House Egg Roll], which is very surprising. That's like your boss saying: "Hey I know I just fired you, but can you work some overtime on Sunday?"

 

White House "stress secretary" Sean Spicer tried to downplay the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. And he did it in an interesting way: he invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn't matter because there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny anyway.

 

Congratulations to the first lady, Melania Trump, who just got a nice payout from British tabloid newspaper the Daily Mail. The Daily Mail claimed that our first lady once worked as an escort, which isn't true. According to CNN, Melania received $2.9 million in damages. I think this is nice: she's using it to build an escape tunnel back to Slovenia.

 

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau introduced major legislation today that would legalize marijuana for recreational use all throughout the country, all throughout Canada. Boy, they must really want Seth Rogen back.

 

This bill was one of the prime minister's campaign promises, and is expected to pass. The current punishment for being caught with pot in Canada is a cop saying, "Hey, maybe don't do that, eh?" So that's it. So Canada is about to become the stoner living in America's attic.

 

Mar-a-Lago resort is under fire for unsanitary kitchen conditions. According to the Miami Herald, the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation inspected the kitchen at Mar-a-Lago, which is the resort owned by President Trump, and found 13 health code violations. How do you even violate a health code in Florida? The whole state is a health code violation.

 

The inspection occurred days before Trump hosted the prime minister of Japan. The violations included fish that had not undergone proper parasite destruction, some of the coolers were broken, and they keep finding long, weird golden hairs in everything.