The Late Late Show With James Corden

The speaker of the house, Paul Ryan, announced this morning that he will retire at the end of the year to spend more time with his family. Which is shocking to hear. Not that he is stepping down -- that someone is leaving Washington and Trump didn't fire them.

 

By leaving a full-time job with benefits, Paul Ryan will finally achieve one of his dreams: depriving an American family of their health insurance.

 

Conan

An NFL player was arrested for making a bomb joke at an airport. So, ladies and gentlemen, it's official: NFL players have now been arrested for every single type of crime. Bomb in an airport is the last one!

 

Today, at Bill Cosby's new trial, a woman protested topless in order to make Bill Cosby feel "uncomfortable." Legal experts are describing the effort as "a failure."

 

Facebook has announced a way for users to "unsend" messages. Yes! All you do is go to the message center and click the button marked "I Was Drunk."

 

Mark Zuckerberg completed Day 2 of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number.

 

Experts say the majority of Facebook users had their data harvested from taking online quizzes. So it's worse than we thought: now Russia also knows how stupid we are.

 

While he was testifying yesterday, Facebook stock went up and Mark Zuckerberg, just during his testimony, made $3 billion. When he heard that, Tom from MySpace also offered to testify.

 

House Speaker Paul Ryan said he is not seeking re-election, because he wants to spend more time with his kids. Ryan said, "As a dad, there comes a time when you want to be there to take away their health care in person."

 

Former house speaker John Boehner has joined the board of a marijuana company, and today he said his -- this is a quote -- his "thinking on cannabis has evolved." That can only mean really one thing: his grandson showed him how to use a bong.

 

Today, Sen. Lindsay Graham asked Mark Zuckerberg if there was anything else like Facebook, and Zuckerberg said, "No." And at that exact moment, Tom from MySpace took his own life.

 

Sources say the FBI raided Michael Cohen's office to gather information on all the women the president had affairs with. The raid is currently entering its 27th hour.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I heard about a new trend called "garden eyebrows," where people paint their eyebrows green, then glue on flowers. Apparently it was invented by someone who doesn't know what a Snapchat filter is.

 

Today, Mark Zuckerberg testified in Congress about Facebook's data leak. His opening statement was six pages long. Or, as your aunt calls that: one Facebook post.

 

I saw that the Knicks fired their coach this week. Knicks fans were shocked -- they were like "We had a coach?"

 

I want to say congratulations to Khloe Kardashian, who gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! Yep, the baby has 10 fingers, 10 toes, and 10 million Instagram followers.

 

Tax Day is coming up. What's nice about Tax Day is whether you're getting a refund or not, we're all gonna get drunk and buy something we don't need.

 

I saw that credit card companies will no longer require a signature to prove your identity. They said if there's any doubt, they'll just get your credit card number from Facebook.

 

Paul Ryan is retiring. He says that after 20 years in Congress, it's time to let someone else get nothing done.

 

Today I read that most Americans say they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib.

 

Yesterday the FBI raided the office of Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen. You know it's bad when you call your lawyer and your lawyer's like, "You gotta speak to my lawyer."

 

It looks like Michael Cohen is in some serious trouble. In fact, Cohen is so screwed that today, he paid HIMSELF $130,000.

 

Our musical guest tonight is Five Seconds of Summer. They're performing their song "Want You Back," which I gotta assume is about President Obama.

 

On Twitter this morning, Trump threatened Russia with missiles that are, quote, "nice and smart." Then Americans were like, "Can we make one of those missiles president?"

 

In Congress, I saw that a senator told Mark Zuckerberg that Facebook's user agreement "sucks." Even Mark Zuckerberg was like, "Wait -- you actually READ Facebook's user agreement?"

 

President Trump was supposed to go to South America today, but he canceled and Mike Pence went instead. For South America, it was like ordering a Jagerbomb then getting a Shirley Temple.

 

Investigators are looking into whether the National Enquirer protected Trump by hiding negative stories about him. It might not be true, ‘cause I read about it in the National Enquirer.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president tweeted today that "our relationship with Russia is worse now than it has ever been." Which, I don't know, to me, that seems ungrateful after all his Sugar Vlady did for him. But that's just the way it goes.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Officials are looking for a person accused of stealing a rock signed by Yoko Ono worth over $17,000. Though to be fair, it originally was part of a rock group, which Yoko Ono broke up.

 

Whole Foods has announced a two-month-long promotion on rosé wine. That's right: it's officially mating season for white people.

 

A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in the country. "I'm shocked!" said an adult New Yorker with six roommates.

 

According to reports, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg sat on a four-inch-thick cushion to boost his height during the Senate testimony yesterday. Said Zuckerberg: "That's my wallet."

 

House speaker Paul Ryan said yesterday that he doesn't plan on running for president after he retires from Congress next year. Ryan will instead return to the haunted Sears catalog that spawned him.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

In his memoir, "A Higher Loyalty," James Comey calls President Trump ego-driven and said that he is untethered to truth. The book was co-authored by Captain Obvious.

 

The FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump's personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, this week. Authorities first became suspicious of Cohen when they found out he was a lawyer for Donald Trump.

 

FBI raids are like when your girl goes through your phone. She's only doing it to confirm whatever she already knows.

 

President Trump responded to the claims in Comey's memoir, calling him a "leaker and a liar." Which, coincidentally, is also the name of the video the Russians have.