Late Laughs for the week of May 3 - 9, 2020

« Back to Talk


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

This is the worst reboot idea since "Little Women 2: The Revenge of Zombie Beth." Watch out, Marmee, she's coming back for her piano!


Bong Joon Ho's "Parasite" became the first foreign language film ever to win Best Picture, unless you count 2018's "The Shape of Water," which was filmed in the universal language of fish sex.


I'm glad to hear [the audience] all sound healthy and happy, because the big story continues to be the looming threat of the coronavirus. For Lent, I'm giving up licking doorknobs.


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

You can tell rappers don't even like the alcohol they drink 'cause they're always pouring one out for the dead homies.


We all know that one couple that is "couple goals." They finish each other's sentences, they make each other laugh -- they're just adorable, and everyone always asks them, "How do you make it work?" But do you know what everyone is actually wondering? Do they fart in front of each other yet?


Tonight, I want to talk about alcohol, since most of you at home are drunk anyways.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A Navy hospital ship has arrived in New York, 'cause if there's one thing we've learned from the crisis, it's that you definitely want to be on a giant ship.


The Empire State Building was lit up in red and white flashing lights to honor health-care workers. Everyone was confused by the red and white flashing lights. At first, New Yorkers thought it meant that Target finally got a shipment of toilet paper!


This year, you can order Girl Scout cookies online. And, to give you the real experience, after you buy two boxes, a Girl Scout pops up on screen and guilts you into buying two more.


There's a chance the Tour de France might get canceled. Not because of the virus, but because after two months at home, nobody wants to be seen in spandex.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Scientists in Virginia have now successfully trained rats to drive tiny cars. Is it driving, though? You let me know when that rat can parallel park on the first try! The rats will now learn the next logical phase of driving: eating french fries, putting on mascara and giving other drivers the finger.


A truck driver in England recently pulled over at a rest stop, and while he was sleeping, thieves stole the contents of his truck -- and that content was $1 million worth of sex toys. I do feel sorry for the truck driver, but it's just nice to see people who don't wait until the last minute to do their Christmas shopping.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know, when I was a kid, I used to pretend I was hosting a talk show in my kitchen. And, finally, that dream has come true! It's not as glamorous as I imagined it would be.


This is the one year where getting your house toilet-papered would be welcomed. Warmly.


Walmart has said that, since the beginning of quarantine, they've seen a noticeable increase in the number of shirts they're selling, but not in the number of pants. They think it's because with everyone teleworking from home, you only need a shirt. We've become a nation of Winnie the Poohs.


Welcome to what is either a show or I am having a paranoid hallucination. Who even knows anymore?


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler's 72nd birthday. Said people shopping for a gift: "What do you get for the man who wears everything?"


According to movie review website Rotten Tomatoes, Netflix's "Tiger King" ranks as the most popular show on TV right now. I guess after a Trump press briefing, people are craving the solid leadership and smart decision-making of Joe Exotic.


The King of Thailand has reportedly self-quarantined by renting out an entire luxury hotel in Germany for himself and 20 girlfriends. Well, that's a new one. I've never heard of someone sleeping with 20 women in a hotel to avoid a virus.


Thanks to a new change in liquor laws, New York City restaurants are now allowed to deliver cocktails to people's homes, as long as they're sold with food. Said New Yorkers: "Yeah, I'll take 20 margaritas and a french fry."