The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

President Trump just gave an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said: "That's easy! Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight!"

 

Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he'll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next weekend.

 

Trump defended all the trips he's made to his golf courses, saying he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters "for the wings" were like, "Yeah, right."

 

Trump's keeping busy. In fact, I read that he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks "Thailand" is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties.

 

We're learning more about how Trump's been holding up in the White House. In fact, a senior official says when you go in to meet with Trump, you don't need to make a PowerPoint or bring a bunch of paperwork. Then he said, "But a sock puppet can't hurt."

 

I read that a hacker leaked the first 10 episodes of "Orange Is the New Black." Americans were like, "OK, you can mess with our elections, but now you've gone too far!"

 

Conan

Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It's the first time Trump has ever said the words, "Rodrigo, please come to America."

 

President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. Trump said: "He's my kind of guy -- he's crazy, he's overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut."

 

In another interview, President Trump said he thinks the Civil War could have been prevented. After hearing this, John McCain said: "Trust me, I did everything I could!"

 

It was announced today that Kelly Ripa's new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn't on television were the scariest of his life.

 

The creators of Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival that left attendees on an island without adequate food, water, shelter or medical care, are all being sued for $100 million. If you want to attend the trial, tickets start at $5,000.

 

A Vermont candy maker is hiding three golden tickets in its chocolate bars, and whoever finds them is going to win free parking. This is, of course, inspired by that classic children's story, "Charlie and the Municipal Parking Ordinance."

 

All the TV writers in Hollywood have reached a deal with the studios, which means there will not be a writers strike. In fact, my writers plan to get back to work about three jokes from now.

 

Today, there was a call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump. The call was all part of Putin's annual employee review.

 

While discussing health care, a Republican congressman from Alabama said that people who lead good lives don't get sick. Seconds later, he dropped dead.

 

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany's election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she's going to win, she's not even going to campaign in Wisconsin.

 

As part of a limited campaign, McDonald's is offering forks made from french fries. Not to be outdone, today, Long John Silver's began offering seafood made from fish.

 

Ivanka Trump has a new book of business advice for women. Tip number one is: "Be your rich dad's favorite daughter."

 

Nissan is developing technology that blocks cellphone signals so people won't be distracted by their smartphones. First, Nissan will put the technology in their cars, then they'll put it in the Oval Office.

 

There's a rumor that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is planning to run for president. He must really want to win, because today Zuckerberg sent Vladimir Putin a friend request.

 

Today, FBI director James Comey said the thought that he helped Donald Trump get elected president makes him "mildly nauseous." Comey then excused himself to attend a meeting of Underreacters Anonymous.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a "big burden" on his family. "Yes, but somehow we manage," said Melania from her penthouse in New York.

 

In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War.

 

President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate, the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he's held back.

 

Southwest Airlines has announced that it will no longer overbook its flights. While United says it will now match up flight attendants and passengers by weight class to make for fairer fights.

 

According to Reuters, President Trump has a button on his desk that he uses to order a Coke. Of course, he thinks it orders a nuclear strike, but once he gets the Coke in his hands he forgets what he was so worked up about.

 

Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the "shortfalls" of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Mich., and Short Falls, Wis.

 

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer today left his daily press briefing without taking questions from reporters. Spicer was apparently too busy taking questions from himself. "Why do I keep doing this? What's wrong with me? Why don't I quit??"

 

Taco Bell will begin selling so-called "Naked Chicken Chips," which are triangular pieces of chicken that are dipped in nacho cheese sauce. And if you eat them, they'll be the only naked thing you'll get to enjoy.

 

A man is honoring his late friend's wish by flushing his ashes down toilets in baseball stadiums across the country. While the Mets are honoring his wish by flushing their season, too.

 

President Trump will return to New York City tomorrow for the first time since taking office. Said Melania: "Oh, that's so crazy, I'm flying to D.C. tomorrow! You should have told me!"

 

According to a new Politico poll, 48 percent of voters approve of the job President Trump is doing. Of course, a lot of them think that job is "plus-size golf shirt model."

 

Vice-President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration tomorrow, where guests can play festive party games like "Pin the Crime on the Immigrant."

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

This week President Trump started building his wall. A wall between millions of Americans and their health care.

 

The house voted to repeal and replace ObamaCare, and many congressmen admitted they didn't even read the bill before voting on it. They're treating health care the way I treat an iTunes agreement. Like, "I'm sure it's fine." Then, suddenly, I'm dealing with a pre-existing condition, like that U2 album they forced onto our phones.

 

The [new health-care] bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs up from the Grim Reaper.

 

I don't understand why health care is so complicated. Literally dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said that Australia has better health care than us. Well then why don't we just do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don't have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid.

 

President Trump said he would be "honored" to meet with Kim Jong Un. I guess it's nice to know that World War III will start over who gets the last pork chop.

 

Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn't such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful.

 

Trump will take his first international trip as president this month, visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose these three countries after Steve Bannon told him a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a Priest, and Trump was like, "I gotta meet these guys!"

 

A pipe over New York's Penn Station burst this week, raining down raw sewage on commuters -- an event Penn Station commuters are calling "an improvement."