The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The Royal Family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son: Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them.

 

A growing number of people are going to e-sport arenas to watch other people play video games. It combines the thrill of going to a live sporting event with the thrill of having an unemployed roommate.

 

Guys, I'm so glad you're here -- even if it's just because the Avengers movie was sold out.

 

I saw that Amazon is raising the price of its Prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, till you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper.

 

This weekend, "Avengers: Infinity War" had the biggest box office opening of all time! Which is good, because if it bombed, nobody wanted to be the one to tell The Hulk.

 

Facebook is coming out with their own dating service. So now you can meet someone on Facebook, before dating them, breaking up, and then stalking them on Facebook.

 

Tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby AND Cinco de Mayo. Or, as that's also known: the Super Bowl of day-drinking.

 

The CEO of Subway is stepping down. Well, she's not stepping down, she's actually taking a bunch of tiny steps to the side.

 

I heard that scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle's girlfriend wouldn't share part of a leaf, even though there was clearly room on the leaf for both of them.

 

Saturday was the White House Correspondents Dinner, and Trump called it "a very big, boring bust." This is the first time in history Trump has called a big bust "boring."

 

Conan

Kanye West is under fire for an interview with TMZ where he described slavery as "a choice." You know, it's never a good sign when the moral high ground in a room is held by the people of TMZ.

 

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling apologized for killing the character Dobby the house elf in Book 7. Then she issued a separate apology to people who've just finished reading Book 6.

 

7-Eleven has announced they are going to be offering healthier options for their customers. The CEO said, "We want our customers to live to be as old as one of our hotdogs."

 

Yale University has taken back the honorary degree it gave Bill Cosby. It's particularly embarrassing because it was a PhD in chemistry.

 

Some critics are now saying that NASA will be unable to use Space X's rocket because it's too small. However, SpaceX insists that's just the cold weather.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Marvel's "Avengers: Infinity War" broke the [domestic] box office record for opening weekend with $250 million in ticket sales. $250 million -- that's nearly $1 for every character.

 

Scientists in Australia just announced that the world's oldest known spider has died. The spider died at the age of 43 and is survived by 75 bazillion children.

 

Amazon has just unveiled a new version of its home assistant, the Echo Dot, which is designed specifically for kids. I don't know about this. I feel like some parents are just going to go, "Alexa, set a timer, raise my kid for the next 18 years. I'll be back."

 

The Natural History Museum in England has disqualified a participant in its Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition after determining that a photograph he submitted was staged using a stuffed anteater. So, add "Wildlife Photographer of the Year" to the list of contests with more integrity than the 2016 presidential election.

 

A postcard believed to have been sent by infamous serial killer Jack the Ripper has just sold at auction for $30,000. Well, $30,000 plus an extra $0.45 for postage. Paying $30,000 for a serial killer's note! This is by far the most expensive way to have your friends ask you, "Hey man, are you OK?"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Keeping up with this White House on a daily basis is exhausting. I can't handle Donald Trump and Kanye West. It's too much. It's like being a single mother with twins. I can't do it!

 

At this point, there are more Trump lawyers than there are Avengers.

 

You know, we don't have "Scandal" on Thursday nights anymore, so the president has been working overtime to fill that hole for us. And boy, did he deliver the goods this week.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A New Jersey farm has come out with a ham-flavored ice cream. So if you like ham, and you like ice cream, you're still going to hate this.

 

North Korea has announced plans to change time zones in order to line up with South Korea. Which means that North Koreans will have to set their clocks ahead 100 years.

 

White House special counsel Ty Cobb will reportedly be leaving President Trump's legal team at the end of the month. Which is weird, because to look at him, I would have thought he left 105 years ago.

 

At a rally in Michigan this weekend, President Trump asked the crowd, quote, "Any Hispanics in the room?" And it's a little alarming that he was holding a net.

 

President Trump claimed that "nobody knows what a community college is." Sure they do. It's where Michael Cohen went to law school.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A 7-Eleven in California is trying to keep people from begging for money outside the store by loudly playing classical music. Unfortunately, it's only making the vagrants smarter.

 

White House lawyer Ty Cobb has announced that he will be stepping down at the end of May. Cobb will return to his old job of challenging you to a hot air balloon race around the world.

 

[Rudy] Giuliani appeared on Fox News and straight up admitted that Trump knew about the Stormy Daniels payment, which was maybe the best confession I've seen on TV that didn't end with "Created by Dick Wolf."

 

During the historic summit between Kim Jong Un and the leader of South Korea, Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to the meeting. Worse, the toilet was an uncle who betrayed him.

 

Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, said that he was "speechless" after Giuliani said that Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen. In fact, Avenatti was so speechless that night, he only appeared on 20 shows on six different networks.