The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Gov. Cuomo announced that New Yorkers can get legally married via video conference. Meanwhile, you know there's already a guest at a FaceTime wedding going, "I can't believe they didn't do this on Zoom. How tacky!"

Disney brought back its "Bedtime Hotline" to help kids through the pandemic. When your kids complain about being stuck inside, Cinderella will reply, "I live in an attic and have rats for friends."

Kim Jong-un is in serious condition after having surgery. Who knew that the guy with a body shaped like the one from Operation would have health issues?

The World Series of Poker has been postponed because of the coronavirus. Of course, all the players were incredibly upset, but it was impossible to tell.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

[Donald] Trump is encouraging his followers to protest his own recommendations. That's how much he needs to hear a chanting mob. He's like an angry Tinker Bell!

The United States of America has a president who just ordered a sweeping change in our national immigration policy via tweet! That would be like Obama announcing the death of Bin Laden on TikTok.

Turns out the best present for Earth Day is the same as the best present for Mother's Day: time away from her children. Just get all the unruly humans out of her hair so Mother Earth can sit in a bubble bath and watch "Outlander."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After police in the U.K. seized a food delivery driver's car during an arrest, they noticed a bag of fast food in the car, so they went ahead and delivered the customer's meal. I mean, it is their job to protect and serve.

An heiress from the family that invented the microwavable snack Hot Pockets was sentenced today for bribing her daughter's way into college. Her family created Hot Pockets, and now she might go to prison. So at least the food will be an upgrade.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Between 4/20 and all the bread people are making, this country has never been more baked than we are today.

Do we even need marijuana anymore? Everybody is sitting on the couch watching Netflix and wondering what day it is already.

You can't embrace the Confederacy and the total authority of the federal government at the same time. It's like Thanos having an Iron Man-themed birthday party. You just don't do it.

Because of the possibility that the coronavirus could still be a concern on election day, a lot of people want to put more focus on mail-in ballots so you don't have to risk your life to cast your vote. But Donald Trump would prefer we line up. How can Donald Trump tell us not to use the mail? The mail is how he ordered two of his wives!

Late Night With Seth Meyers

OK, what happened to doing your crimes in private?! Trump's like a mobster who, instead of throwing a body in the trunk, throws it in the passenger seat so he can use the carpool lane.

The makers of Barbie dolls have announced that this year's Barbie "Career of the Year" doll is Judge Barbie. Said Trump, "Put the blonde one on the Supreme Court."

Pope Francis held a meeting yesterday discussing whether the Catholic Church should lift its celibacy requirement for priests. Said Francis, "All in favor raise your free hand."

The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game's next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. And they're already being sued by Starbucks for copyright infringement.

The CEO of Dick's Sporting Goods is considering launching a third-party presidential run. Coincidentally, "the CEO of Dick's" is also what they call Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

After a doctor said that coronavirus dies quickly in sunlight, President Trump asked if they could bring "the light inside the body." Though I'm pretty sure "bring the light inside the body" is what they chanted at Jonestown before drinking poison.

A popular new food item among people staying at home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, "Whipped Strawberry Milk" is also Prince Harry's drag name.