Conan

Saturday marks the end of President Trump's first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump's "honeymoon" phase. Which may account for that feeling that we're being repeatedly screwed.

 

Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people.

 

This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won't let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

 

Today, astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut, and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, "You."

 

Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as "not brief enough."

 

In Germany, Ivanka Trump told a crowd that her father is a "champion of supporting families" and she got booed. Ivanka said she was surprised: she has always been told to open with a joke.

 

The U.S. State Department has hired a female anchor from Fox News. However, the State Department described it as "more of a rescue mission."

 

Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations' Commission on Women's Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning.

 

A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child's smartphone if they use it too much. It's meant for children ages 6 to 12, or the president of the United States.

 

El Chapo has been complaining about conditions in his Manhattan jail cell. Apparently, because it's Manhattan, El Chapo is being charged a $12 toll every time he uses his own tunnel.

 

A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently, they came here to vote in the 2016 election.

 

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now.

 

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin' Donuts and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin' Donuts.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was the big March for Science, and there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump's policies on endangered species. Trump was like: "I love endangered species! That's why I refuse to drink the new Unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks!"

 

Actually, environmental activists say that Trump's border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like: "No problem, we'll just tunnel under it like everyone else."

 

Bill Nye the Science Guy spoke at the march in D.C. and said that the Founding Fathers promoted science in Article 1 of the Constitution. Trump was like: "Eh, I don't read it for the articles."

 

There were power outages in New York City and San Francisco on Friday that caused massive delays on the subway. People in San Francisco passed the time by talking, while New Yorkers waited a full five minutes before eating each other.

 

A two-century-old nude statue of George Washington is coming to the U.S. for the first time. That's right, we're finally gonna find out what the "Washington Monument" looks like.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said: "I'm not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in." It's true. You can't tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer. It's like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust.

 

Ivanka spoke on a panel titled "Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women's Entrepreneurship." And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women -- to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room.

 

When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that's not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That's why he's always leaving one and starting another.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

On Sunday, Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for "in some form" and "at a later date." In some form -- what form? Like they can just buy us a round of beers?

 

A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you've already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through.

 

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT'S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God!

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a new interview, President Trump said he is "mostly there" on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump: "Look, at this point, I've already accomplished 95 days."

 

This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump: "So ... anybody wanna be president?"

 

A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airline-style food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it "United."

 

A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco-covered pizza for $75. "Seems a little steep," said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant.

 

It was reported that President Trump spoke today at the Holocaust Museum, though Steve Bannon denies it.

 

Spirit Airlines has scored the lowest customer satisfaction rating in its industry for the third year in a row. Really? Lower than United? What does Spirit Airlines do when their flights are overbooked, just crash the plane into a mountain?

 

Today was National Hug a Plumber Day. Said plumbers: "This doesn't make up for what you did in there."

 

President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it's pretty much the same as his old plan: he's not gonna pay them.

 

President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I'm guessing Trump wanted to trade faces?

 

United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children.

 

According to a new CNN poll, 44 percent of Americans approve of the job President Trump is doing as he approaches his 100th day in office. While the other 56 percent said, "It's only been 100 days?!"

 

According to new report, German chancellor Angela Merkel was recently forced to explain to President Trump 11 times how the trade works with European countries. She started to lose it around nein!

 

A third-grade class in New Jersey recently found a boa constrictor in the back of their classroom. Even scarier: they didn't find Billy.