Late Laughs for the week of May 19 - 25, 2019

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A poll taken of college students found that their first choice for president is Joe Biden and their second choice is Bernie Sanders. Apparently, college students are excited to not show up to vote for either one.


Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he wants to now invent a noiseless leaf-blower. Then someone took Musk to a hardware store and showed him a rake.


A comedian has won the presidential election in Ukraine. He's already sold his inaugural address as a one-hour Netflix special.


Last night, Bernie Sanders said that even people in prison should be allowed to vote. Bernie is building an unusual constituency made up of millennials and Bill Cosby.


In June, President Trump will visit the U.K. and have a state dinner with Queen Elizabeth. It will be the first time in history that Buckingham Palace will order takeout from KFC.


Yesterday, President Trump met with Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter. Out of habit, Trump met with the CEO of Twitter at 3 a.m. while sitting on the toilet.


It was reported today that Joe Biden is leading Bernie Sanders by eight points. Not in the polls -- in their weekly game of shuffleboard.


Some Democrats don't like Joe Biden, but of all the current possibilities, he has the best chance at beating Donald Trump. Coming in second: heart disease.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I heard Kanye West is thinking about starting a church. Yeah, it's the first church where people go to worship themselves.


The White House Easter Egg Roll has been an annual tradition since 1878! And here's a fun fact: the first Easter Egg Roll was won by a young Bernie Sanders.


[Today] was Earth Day! People started the day like they always do: by forgetting their reusable tote bag at home.


I read that a lot of germ-killing brands like Clorox are now selling products with germs that are good for you. Or you could save a few bucks and just walk onto a New York subway with your mouth open.


Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried getting out of it by pretending to be a stripper.


A town in England has been having problems with aggressive seagulls on its beaches, so they brought in a pair of bald eagles to get rid of them. It's great. Now beach-goers can relax in peace, knowing if a seagull gets too close, an eagle will swoop in and murder it.


Brie Larson is on the show tonight! We love Brie Larson. She's here to finally try and get the word out about this movie called "Avengers: Endgame." Brie thought there were a lot of Avengers until she got here and met the 50 members of the Wu-Tang Clan.


The new "Avengers" opens tomorrow and it's gonna be huge. Some theaters are staying open 24 hours a day, through Sunday. By then, the kid who works the butter pump is gonna have an arm like The Hulk.


Last night, from 7 to midnight, CNN had five town halls with five Democratic candidates. Yeah, five straight hours of town halls. Which is why Wolf Blitzer kicked things off by saying, "Good evening. I'm wearing a diaper."


A pizza restaurant in Texas was shut down after people found out they were putting laxatives in the pizza. They even had a special deal: if you're not on the toilet in 30 minutes, the next one's free.


Today in Russia, Kim Jong Un met with Vladimir Putin. Yeah, it turns out Kim and Putin are good friends. They're actually so close, they can finish each other's poisonings.


Today it was announced that Rami Malek will be the villain in the next James Bond movie. Yeah, he plays the head of HR who tells James Bond all the things he can't do or say to women anymore in 2019.


Joe Biden just entered the race for 2020, but I heard that President Obama doesn't plan on endorsing anyone in the primary. Yeah, it's not good when Obama looks at 20 different candidates and goes, "Uhh, pass!"


Now that Biden's in the race, I read he's shutting down his charity. When he heard, Trump was like, "I remember when I said goodbye to Charity. And Destiny. And Roxy."


I saw that a 25-year-old woman that graduated from Princeton just got engaged to her 71-year-old professor. It was pretty romantic, he got down on one knee, then spent the next 10 minutes trying to get back up.


President Trump met with the CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, and I heard that Trump complained about losing Twitter followers. It was just like when Abraham Lincoln met with his generals and said, "Why aren't my speeches getting more likes?!"


There's been a mysterious countdown clock on Taylor Swift's Instagram, and it ends at midnight tonight. A lot of fans think she's announcing a new album, while the rest are praying she's running for president.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Authorities at a border checkpoint in Singapore recently caught a man trying to smuggle some interesting contraband. Officers searched the man after they heard meowing coming from the crotch of his pants, and it turns out he was smuggling kittens in his pants. I don't care how many lives these cats have, this is not how you want to spend one.


A couple in San Diego recently got married in the same place where they had their first date: they got married at a Costco. The couple met on a dating app and they bonded over their shared love of the warehouse store. I think it's rather sweet -- they actually got married with a dozen other couples ‘cause it was cheaper to do it in bulk.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new survey, one in four teens said they used marijuana at least once in the past year. While the other three in four teens know a narc when they see one.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby's embryo in their wombs. "It was a totally equal effort," said the one who didn't have to give birth.