Late Laughs for the week of May 17 - 23, 2020

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A Little Late With Lilly Singh

While I was getting ready for tonight's show, I had to use the washroom, and I heard one of the most annoying sounds in the world: the door knob rattling, followed by a knock. Why do people knock when they already know the door is locked? It's not like I'm going to change my mind and be like, "Oh, this must be important. Come on in!"


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It sounds like [President Trump's] first instinct was to maybe let a lot of people die. Now, that seems monstrous, but Trump was just following the advice of Secretary of Commerce Thanos.


Your propaganda sucks! All-caps black letters on a white background? Helvetica? Are you boasting about your accomplishments or offering to teach us guitar?


This is a briefing about the coronavirus crisis -- with all due respect, what does YumBrands know about that? They own Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and KFC -- delicious all, but famously, the Colonel only does one thing really well, and it's not deep-fried epidemiology. I mean, for Pete's sake, we're not even supposed to touch out faces, and the Colonel keeps tempting us to lick our fingers!


Blocking empty streets is like streaking in your shower: it doesn't count.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new "Bachelor" spinoff called "Listen to Your Heart" premiered, where 20 singles try to connect romantically by making music together. So, if you think it's bad when a guy whips out an acoustic guitar at a party, imagine the entire party is filled with that guy.


A 93-year-old Pennsylvania woman went viral after putting a sign in her window that read, "I need more beer." It was funny until everyone realized it was a 33-year-old woman who's been having a rough quarantine.


Former president Obama endorsed Joe Biden for president. Obama said he knew Biden was the right candidate once he was absolutely sure Michelle wasn't running.


Burger King just introduced a new sandwich called the Roasted Garlic King, which is a burger with a thick garlic sauce. Burger King said, "If this doesn't keep people six feet apart, nothing will."


The Late Late Show with James Corden

A man in Oklahoma was recently arrested for attempted burglary, and here's the odd part: when he was arrested, he was wearing a T-shirt that says, "Ain't nothing illegal 'til you get caught." The man didn't read the label closely enough before putting on the shirt, because it clearly says, "Machine wash. Tumble dry. Do not wear to commit crimes."


Jimmy Kimmel Live

I'm in a house. Doing a show. To no one. I'm beginning to understand why Mr. Rogers started using puppets on his show.


Easter is a tough one during a pandemic. You know, every two minutes we're telling our kids to wash their hands, and then all of a sudden we're like, "Yes, go ahead and eat those jellybeans you found in a bush."


Walmart reports that sales of hair clippers and hair color have skyrocketed over the past two weeks. Do you really need to color your hair right now? Who are you trying to impress, your cat?


Trump will not be sending checks to the World Health Organization going forth. Stopping funding to an organization that handles pandemics in the middle of a pandemic is like slashing your own tires because you're mad you woke up late for work.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a video message yesterday, President Trump wished Americans a Happy Easter and said, "We have a lot to be thankful for." A lot to be thankful for? We're all on lockdown due to a global pandemic. The only things we have to be thankful for are medical professionals and hard liquor.


The reality dating show spinoff "The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart" premiered and features 20 single musicians living in a mansion. Twenty single musicians living together? Are they trying to distract us from the virus or create an even stronger one?


The Tour de France has been postponed due to the coronavirus. Well, of course it has! Things haven't been this abundantly clear since they invented bike shorts.


President Trump's name will reportedly be printed on the front of paper checks for coronavirus relief payments, which would be the first time a president's name has appeared on an IRS refund. President Trump's name, however, still has yet to appear on a check to the IRS.