The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

You know Biden's old when he's like, "We need someone young and hip for the Snapchat videos. How 'bout that kid, Dr. Fauci?"

Meanwhile, I've read that a lot of singles have been meeting while waiting in line to get their vaccines. That's really sweet until that moment when the masks come off. You know someone didn't like you when they skipped their second dose just to avoid seeing you again.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

One hundred and seventeen years after Kitty Hawk we flew a helicopter on Mars! And as a tribute to the Wright Brothers, "Ingenuity" has a bit of fabric from their aircraft. And for fun, they stuck on Orville's mustache.

I'd say they've got two more flights [out of "Ingenuity"] before it ends up stuck on the neighbour's roof.

There's great progress on the vaccine front because as of today half of all American adults have received at least one shot. Half of the people are at least halfway there, and two halves make a whole-y-crap-we-might-be-able-to-go-to-the-movies-again!

Today's also the first day that all U.S. citizens 16 and older are eligible for the COVID vaccine. This is a big achievement for President Biden because it means he met the April 19 deadline that he set two weeks ago. Gettin' things done. It's a huge contrast from his predecessor "Voldemoron."

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

You know, speaking out — much like coming out, putting out and tripping out — isn't always easy. Trust me. I know. I've done all three.

We didn't really need Katie [Leung] to tell us that there's racism in the Harry Potter world, you know what I'm saying? They make Hagrid sleep in a hut outside just because he's half giant. That's segregation. 

Just earlier this year, Charisma Carpenter, star of shows like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel," also spoke out. She came forward alleging that director Joss Whedon created a very toxic environment while she was doing those shows. If only human monsters were as easy to banish as vampires. 

If you're celebrating [4/20] like me then that means you've spent all day Googling "what exactly is CBD oil?" I actually have no clue. Can you cook with it? Is it like coconut oil? 

Now, personally, I don't smoke pot. And I know that's very shocking to a lot of people because if you watch me for more than 30 seconds you're like, "she ... is not a stoner? That girl right there with the "One Love" shoulder tattoo? The girl that's always talking about eating mac 'n' cheese, that girl? The girl who has gummy bear statues in the house, that girl?" Yes, all this this is sober me.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Helicopters on Mars. [That] sounds like a band Jude Law was in in school.

I bet [congratulations from Arnold Schwarzenegger] is why NASA does what they do. They're not in it for scientific breakthroughs, all they want is to be congratulated, by video, from the Terminator ... Schwarzenegger congratulated them but I will say this: Jean-Claude Van Damme, your silence is deafening.

The Fyre Fest concert was, of course, a complete failure although it's nice to think of the time ... when our biggest crisis was a crumby cheese sandwich and getting stood up by Blink-182.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Fox anchor Tucker Carlson] laughs like the villain in the movie who realizes James Bond just put the bomb back on him and he's about to explode .... That's the same noise women make when he takes off his pants.

Chris Christie, who you know is the former governor of New Jersey, is said to be "seriously considering" a run for president in 2024. Well, not a "run" so much as a sweaty walk for president in 2024.

Today also happens to April 20th: the day on which Hitler, Killer Mike and Joey Lawrence were born.

Mike Lindell is kind of like Saul Goodman from "Better Call Saul." He had a funny supporting role in one of the most incredible dramas of all time, but now that he’s got his own show, you really appreciate what a character he is.

President Biden, over the weekend, took some time out to play golf — his first round of golf since taking office in January and, of course, he was criticized for it; even though by comparison, at this stage of his presidency, Trump had already logged 19 days on the golf course. He was essentially a player on the Senior PGA Tour who occasionally violated the Constitution.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie is reportedly considering a run for president in 2024. He thinks he might do well in the polls as long as "none of the above" doesn't run again.

According to a recent report, the U.K.'s fossil fuel industry may achieve net-zero carbon emissions before it achieves gender equality. Either way,
2090 is shaping up to be a really exciting year.

President Biden tweeted yesterday that everyone 16 and older can now receive the coronavirus vaccine and added, "Go get 'em, folks." Said
teens: "Sure thing, just one question. Um, what does 'folks' mean?"

According to polls, Americans are more interested in trying edibles than any other type of cannabis product. Wow, America's the only country that
starts with the munchies.

To celebrate 4/20, the unofficial marijuana holiday, a New York City cannabis activist hosted a "Joints for Jabs" event today and gave anyone
who had received the coronavirus vaccine free marijuana. Which explains why so many New Yorkers just got their third dose of Pfizer.