Late Laughs for the week of May 14 - 20, 2017

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

This morning was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. There was an appearance by that very special visitor, someone who only shows up to the White House once a year: Melania Trump.


It was a great time, and apparently the Easter egg hunt is still going on. Because Trump hides those Easter eggs as well as he hides his tax returns.


Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn't supposed to happen until 2020. She's fed up with all the political fighting, so she's asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, "Wait, we can do that?"


Having the election on June 8 means there's only seven weeks of campaigning. That might seem crazy here in America, where you campaign for, um, a decade. But believe me, seven weeks is more than enough time to hate all the candidates.


A man was arrested at the Coachella music festival over the weekend after it was discovered he'd stolen over 100 smartphones. Listen, you're not going to get away with stealing phones at Coachella. Coachella is basically a selfie festival that happens to have music.


A high school boy in Georgia got the local police to help him stage a drug bust in order to ask a girl to prom. The cops questioned both of them about a fake bag of marijuana, then eventually gave the girl a note with a request to go to prom. The police say they loved helping the two with the prom-posal, and look forward to seeing them together on prom night when they arrest them for underage drinking.


One person who hasn't had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean, Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict "28 strikes and you're out" policy.


This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can't host a talk show. You can be president, but you can't host a talk show.


In addition to being cable's top-rated host, O'Reilly has written a number of bestselling books, including "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Reagan" and "Killing Kennedy." And I really look forward to his next book, "Killing Time at Home."



According to a new survey that just came out, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said: "Done and done."


Scientists are now claiming that every hour spent running increases your lifespan by seven hours. In other words, a majority of Americans died three years ago.


Several days ago, President Trump said an aircraft carrier was heading toward North Korea. It's an American aircraft carrier, but it turns out it's actually been sailing in the opposite direction. This is the aircraft carrier called the USS Metaphor.


In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United.


Today, Fox News fired Bill O'Reilly. The head of Fox News said: "There's only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women and that's the White House."


Bill O'Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently, O'Reilly violated Fox News's strict 11-woman limit.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Well you guys, today was the deadline to file your taxes. I guess Trump got some good news this year: he got to write off the first 100 days of his presidency as a total loss.


Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, "Which one's married to Kanye?" That's a different Kim all together.


Hey, I wanna say congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she's expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said: "So, do I get a doubles trophy, orrr ..."


Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom travelled, she would leave her a note for every day she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father."


Some documents just came out that show which companies gave money to Trump's inauguration, and it turns out UPS was one of the biggest donors. People were like: "Great, now can you teach him how to deliver?"


I read about a new reality dating show, where people swap phones before meeting each other. The way it works is, the person who gets a better phone never comes back.


Just in time for summer, Coca-Cola announced that it's putting first and last names on their bottles for their "Share a Coke" campaign. Because nothing says "sharing" like writing your full name on something.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The official White House Snapchat account sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around "Secretary of 'Educatuon' Betsy DeVos." It's like Betsy DeVos always says: "There's no 'I' in 'education' ... the way I spell it."


Trump also weighed in on tomorrow's special election in Georgia, saying: "The super liberal Democrat in the Georgia 'congressioal' race tomorrow wants to protect criminals, allow illegal immigration and raise taxes!" That's right, "congressioal." Someone's being tutored by Betsy DeVos!


Huge election last night in Georgia's 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what's called a "jungle primary," because, like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism.


Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works?


Jimmy Kimmel Live

This year's Easter event attracted around 21,000 attendees, about half of what the Obama events drew. Or as a White House spokesman put it, "About twice what the Obama events drew."


Time magazine today released their annual list of the 100 Most Influential People. Making the list this year: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey and Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list, which is crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced half of a country to vote for Donald Trump for president. You think that would be worth something!