Late Laughs for the week of May 10 - 16, 2020

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The Late Late Show with James Corden

A toilet was unveiled this week that may soon enter the Guinness Book of World Records because the seat features more than 40,000 diamonds and the toilet is worth $1.3 million. The toilet has so many diamonds that when the time is right, it can double as an engagement ring.


A baby in France has been given free entry for life at a popular nightclub, because early this week, the mom accidentally gave birth to the baby in the middle of the dance floor -- that is a tough move to beat during a dance battle.


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

If you're a woman who wears heels to the club, good for you! I support that decision now, and six hours from now when you take them off to walk home drunk and barefoot!


Everyone cheats at Monopoly, but I kind of think that's fine. In the real world, the only people who have Monopoly are cheating on their taxes.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

[UFC] just announced they are getting a private island to hold weekly fights amid the coronavirus crisis. If you want a fight island, just come to the island of Manhattan and try to buy two rolls of toilet paper. It's a total bloodbath, and then there's nothing to wipe it up with.


Sen. Bernie Sanders announced he was dropping out of the 2020 Democratic race. I guess during a pandemic, crazy ideas like medicare for all just don't resonate.


A new study shows coronavirus patients can benefit from a blood transfusion from someone who has recovered from the disease. Tom Hanks, we are coming for your blood!


A church down in Texas planned something special for the kids in their congregation. They're holding a virtual Easter egg hunt on Minecraft. It is a little unorthodox but way better than their original plan: a Fortnite Bunny Royale.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I'm reading jokes in my house, at a make-shift desk, to total silence … actually, this is exactly how my parents pictured my career.


Tonight marked the start of Passover. It's a holiday that celebrates the miracles of Moses, like parting the Red Sea and finding toilet paper at Target.


Sesame Street's Elmo is hosting a virtual playdate to help entertain kids during the pandemic. Meanwhile, the Count will help parents add up all the pounds they've gained during the quarantine.


April is National Poetry Month, or as parents who are homeschooling put it: "Merlot is red. Bud Light is blue. Today mommy and daddy need juice time, too."


In London, two people across the street from each other performed Romeo and Juliet, while their neighbors kept yelling for them to both drink poison.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Welcome to day ... I don't know ... of sheltering in place. I stopped keeping track of the date after we cut the calendar into strips of toilet paper.


Trump finally broke down and let the White House recommend that people wear masks in public, but he will not be wearing one himself. We have a masked singer, why not a masked president?


Every day I wake up convinced I have the virus. They say the symptoms include being exhausted and aching all over, but those are also the symptoms of having young children.


The president is feeling very optimistic. Yesterday, he tweeted, "Light at the end of the tunnel." No, that's your tanning bed -- you left it plugged in.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a national address about the coronavirus pandemic, Queen Elizabeth told Great Britain that "better days will return." Unlike Harry and Meghan, who absolutely will not.


President Trump on Friday fired the intelligence community's inspector general, who first alerted congress to the complaint that led to the impeachment hearings. And, I have to say, in the midst of all the horrifying news lately, it's refreshing to hear about some nice, normal, old-fashioned corruption.


According to a new poll, only 28% of Americans think that their neighbors are following social distancing guidelines very well. "Wow, I'd hate to have a neighbor that wasn't taking this seriously," said Canada.


After China ended a 76-day lockdown of the coronavirus epicenter city of Wuhan, the local marriage application website saw a 300% increase in traffic. And the divorce site was up 3 million percent.