The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

What an amazing moment for South Korea. They have "Parasite," they have BTS -- meanwhile, North Korea is this close to dial-up internet.

 

I'm not saying [Joe] Biden's in trouble, but the coronavirus is actually polling ahead of him.

 

The big winner in New Hampshire was Bernie Sanders. You can tell Bernie's fired up: last night he was mixing Metamucil into a shot of Jager. Bernie hasn't been this excited since movies got sound.

 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and you can tell romance is in the air here in New York City. Earlier today, I saw a hotdog vendor cutting his health code violations into tiny hearts. It was really touching.

 

The chairman of the Iowa Democratic Party resigned last night. He actually submitted his resignation last November, we're just only getting the results now.

 

Conan

At a rally in New Hampshire, Trump urged independent supporters to vote for the weakest Democrat. In response, they said, "You're going to have to be more specific."

 

The Nevada Caucus says they will not use the same app used by the Iowa Caucus. That's right, they're going to go with Tinder.

 

Two candidates dropped out of the race last night: Andrew Yang and Michael Bennet. Andrew Yang told his supporters, "Thank you for this amazing ride," while Michael Bennet told his supporters, "Come on, son, let's go home."

 

A Little Late With Lilly Singh

If you don't know what a game night is, it's when you get together with your loved ones and slowly learn to hate them over three hours.

 

Not sure about your significant other? Bring them to game night. That's when you find the weak links. Seriously, who wants to procreate with someone who thinks the house you drew was a cat?

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

It's been a hell of a few days. Years from now, we'll look back on this week and think, "Hey, when are we getting the results of the Iowa Caucus?"

 

So, Donald Trump and his attorney general are using the justice department to go easy on his cronies. The only difference between this and a banana republic is that Trump does not eat fruit.

 

In Nevada, ties in the delegate allocation process will be resolved by drawing cards. High card wins! A little too on brand, Vegas. That'd be like Florida deciding its elections by having the candidates wrestle a meth-gator.

 

South Carolina is holding their primary on Saturday, Feb. 29. That's Leap Day! A day that only exists once every four years, kind of like the South Carolina primary.

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The nation's first primary was held today in New Hampshire. Wow, New Hampshire already. It feels like they just started campaigning 600 years ago.

 

I like Valentine's Day. I do. What's not to like? There's candy, there's chocolates. There's that big hole inside of you you try to fill with candy and chocolates.

 

The 24-hour roadside chain Waffle House is now accepting reservations for Valentine's Day, and they're even offering a special menu for the occasion. You've heard of restaurants having a blue-plate special? This is more of a red-flag special.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

"Parasite" is a South Korean film that tells the story of a family who cons their way into a house they have no business living in, and things go very wrong from there. The American version of it is called "The Trumps."

 

If you're smart, you'll do what I do on Valentine's -- Just hand your wife a single rose and say, "This means you get to stay. What? I thought you loved the Bachelor!"

 

John Kelly defended the newly fired Lt.-Col. Alexander Vindman, which is all well and good, but it's now a year since he left the White House. This is like a smoke detector that goes off after your house burns down.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Scientists in Oregon believe they have tracked a wolf that walked almost 9,000 miles through California searching for a mate. You think that's a lot of work to get laid? I once bought tickets to the opera.

 

A candle company in Kentucky has released a "Politics Scented Candle," which they claim smells like "bureaucracy, hypocrisy and old farts." It's called the "Mitch McCandle."

 

The Justice Department is being criticized following a report that it gave over $1 million to unfamiliar non-profit organizations, including one called "Hookers for Jesus." Said Trump, "You had me at hookers and lost me at Jesus."

 

Former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg picked up two endorsements today from members of the Congressional Black Caucus. It's the first thing he's ever gotten from a black person without having them frisked.

 

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

On Friday, Lt.-Col. Vindman, who testified during President Trump's impeachment trial, was escorted from the White House and fired. Now, you might recall that Vindman received a Purple Heart due to a wound in combat, while Trump has a purple heart because his blood type is hamburger grease.

 

Researchers say they have developed a new way to stitch wounds together using a type of yarn made from human skin. They also say where they got yarn made from human skin isn't important.