A Little Late with Lilly Singh

Do you even remember what life was like before COVID? Because I'm not sure that I do. I just remember that in the before times, humans used to be upright creatures that went outside and now we're horizontal and live on couches.

 

We finally have a vaccine … although roll-out hasn't been the fastest. Who's distributing these things? George R.R. Martin?

 

I just have a feeling that Bruce Wayne is somewhere in Gotham fighting off a new strain of COVID with his bare hands.

 

I'm sorry, maybe you were excited to see Justin Bieber in a world tour, but COVID is harder to cure than Bieber fever.

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Travelers from Britain brought catastrophic diseases to North America in late November. So, like the first Thanksgiving.

 

The only thing that could have united the world in joy more than [Trump's] Twitter ban would have been "Baby Yoda Presents: Deep-fried Vaccine Orgasm Featuring Unlikely Animal Friendships."

 

Utah theme park Evermore Park is suing Taylor Swift over her "Evermore" album title, whereas I am suing Taylor Swift over her "Evermore" album making me feel too many feelings. This pandemic is emotional enough without a stirring musical tribute to your grandmother Marjorie!

 

You can't separate the president's rally from that violent attack anymore than you can separate Gorilla Glue from that lady's hair.

 

It doesn't make sense that, for their last month in office, presidents get to do whatever they want. It's like if instead of Senior Skip Day, high schools had Senior Stab Day.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The [Super Bowl] was such a dud that I watched from home and I still left early to beat traffic.

 

In Russia, they're offering free ice cream as an incentive to get a COVID-19 vaccine. Yeah, that's what everyone wants in Russia in February: ice cream.

 

A pair of Nike sneakers designed for former president Obama are going on sale for $25,000. I had no idea Nike did this for presidents. Apparently they made the same sneaker for Trump but with a built-in ankle monitor.

 

If you're going to catch something on a boat in Tampa, a trophy is the best-case scenario.

 

Trump's defense team is planning to argue their entire case in less than one day. I'm no legal expert, but I think an impeachment defense should last longer than the Westminster Dog Show.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

[Tom Brady] has seven Super Bowl rings! He's the Ariana Grande of football!

 

There goes Trump's first strategy. Now that that's failed, he'll be moving on to the vaunted "It wasn't me" defense pioneered in the landmark case, "Shaggy v. Getting caught red-handed."

 

One big change from the last impeachment trial is that Trump isn't able to live tweet about this one. I would love to see Trump get creative this week. I know he can't tweet, but that doesn't mean he can't share his feelings in another form … like skywriting!

 

Twitter is exploring the idea of adding a tipping feature that would allow users to pay their favorite accounts for exclusive content. You want a tip? I'll give you a tip: get off Twitter! Live your life!

 

Researchers found that women were more attracted to men who used funny introductions on dating apps rather than those who used compliments. Jokes: that's what separates the Cordens from the DiCaprios.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Health officials are frustrated because they've spent the last year trying to educate people about the importance of wearing masks and social distance. Unfortunately, explaining science to people from Florida is like explaining Zoom to your turtle.

 

If Americans cared as much about America as we do about Britney Spears, this would be a really great place to live.

 

I don't know about you, [but] I miss the days when hearing about a civil war just meant a new Captain America movie was coming out.

 

Half of us are worried about putting [the vaccine] in our bodies because we don't know what's in it. And yet we have no problem downing 16 ounces of something called "Monster Energy Assault."

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Super Bowl had about 25,000 fans in attendance, with 30,000 seats filled with cardboard cutouts. Also filled with cardboard cutouts: the Chiefs defense.

 

In honor of Valentine's Day, the home improvement store Lowe's will offer a special after-hours in-store experience for couples in select cities. It's the perfect spot for Valentine's Day if you want sex to be a do-it-yourself project.

 

Indoor dining is set to return to New York on Friday ahead of Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell someone, "I love you, but I'm indifferent to your grandparents."

 

During the impeachment trial yesterday, Republican Sen. Rand Paul was observed drawing squiggles in his notebook. Then he gave it to his barber and said, "Give me this."