The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51-50. Or as Trump calls that, "a landslide."

 

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name "Kylie." Yeah, the judge called the case "not why I went to law school."

 

Merriam-Webster dictionary added over 1,000 new words today, including the word "photobomb." They didn't WANT to add "photobomb," but it jumped in at the last second and kinda ruined the dictionary.

 

This morning, President Trump actually went on Twitter to criticize Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka's line and treating her unfairly. While Trump's tweeting about a department store, a lot of people are wondering what the return policy is for presidents.

 

It seems like every day Trump's upset about something else, and I guess now — this is real — he is complaining that the hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough. Then the flight attendant said, "Sir, that's my skirt."

 

Conan

It has come out that Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, who many think is unqualified, gave big contributions to half the Republican senators who voted for her. Or, as Betsy DeVos calls it, 75 percent of them.

 

Yesterday, President Trump claimed that the media is not reporting on acts of terrorism on American soil. In response, the media said: "Actually, we think we're covering your presidency quite well."

 

Vladimir Putin is scheduled to play an exhibition hockey game against former professional hockey players. Putin is scheduled to win by 12 goals.

 

Last night, Sen. Mitch McConnell silenced Sen. Elizabeth Warren using an old Senate rule. It's the 1930s statute known as "No Mouthy Broads."

 

Yesterday, without mentioning Donald Trump, Pope Francis urged everyone to build bridges, not walls. So today, without mentioning the Pope, Donald Trump said, "Francis is a girl's name."

 

A recent study found that the number of Monarch Butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently, the butterflies are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won't be allowed back in.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Steve Bannon is Donald Trump's senior strategist. A lot of people are saying that he's the guy really running the White House, but I'm not sure I believe that, because there's no proof that anyone's running the White House right now.

 

The Senate confirmed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Now, there are 100 senators. She got the votes of only half of them. So her first act is to make 50 count as a passing grade.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump has been lashing out wildly at the media lately. He accused the "very, very dishonest" press of intentionally not reporting terrorist attacks. He's right! Why don't we ever hear about terrorist attacks on the news? And why don't they have any cute animal videos on YouTube?!

 

Typically, the jobs of press secretary and communications director are filled by two people. Right now, that job belongs to Sean Spicer. Trump thought it would be better to give all the duties to one totally miserable person.

 

There are reports that Donald Trump doesn't like Sean Spicer, and they might be planning to get rid of him altogether. And if that does happen: Sean, on behalf of ABC, if you do lose your job, I would like to invite you to finish in eighth place on "Dancing with the Stars."

 

Trump, as you know, issued an executive order banning refugees and visitors from seven countries, but a judge in Washington suspended the ban. … Donald Trump can't keep immigrants from entering the country -- he can't even get Melania to leave New York!

 

I feel like Trump yells "fake news!" every time he gets angry now. It's like his version of "Hulk Smash!"

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Lady Gaga performed at the Super Bowl halftime show last night, while Adele performed after the game in the Falcons locker room.

 

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP last night. Donald Trump was also named MVP but it stood for "Mrs. Vladimir Putin."

 

Vice-President Mike Pence today cast the tiebreaking vote to confirm controversial Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos. And if you don't know what that means, you're probably Betsy DeVos.

 

Billionaire Richard Branson recently released a video of former President Obama kitesurfing with him in the Virgin Islands. Hey, man, I get that you don't have to deal with all this any more, but could you not rub it in? This is why people unfriend their exes on Facebook.

 

According to a recent survey, 71 percent of men find it attractive when a woman offers to split the bill on a date. And zero percent of women find it attractive when that offer is accepted.

 

According to a new survey, almost a third of people say their co-workers spend more time talking about politics than business. "Thank God that's not the case where I work," said Mike Pence.

 

A new ranking has named Austin as the best American city to live in. Said Betsy DeVos, "Congratulations, Vermont!"

 

A snowstorm in the northeast today caused many schools in the area to close. Said Betsy DeVos: "What? The school closures weren't supposed to start yet!"

 

The casts of "House of Cards," "Veep" and "Scandal" reportedly will not attend the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner in April to protest President Trump. To protest the fact that he's stealing all their plot lines?

 

Plans to set up free Wi-Fi zones at Mount Everest base camp were announced yesterday. Though, if you're really excited about that, maybe mountain climbing isn't your thing.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A new list of terrorist attacks released by the White House this week was riddled with spelling errors. Or there's been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism.

 

An appeals court unanimously upheld a suspension of President Trump's travel ban. But, I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Oh.

 

While signing the new executive orders on crime, President Trump said, "A new era of justice begins and it begins right now." Then he spent 20 minutes struggling to get into a Batman costume.

 

The Senate voted Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new confederate general. Oops, sorry -- ATTORNEY general.

 

Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986 over concerns of racism. But don't worry, if there's one thing that usually makes racists better, it's age.

 

A new coffee shop has opened in Brooklyn that will sell an $18 cup of coffee. Which only makes sense to me if it's served with a side of 15 damn dollars.

 

A Cheeto that looks like the gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe, in that he also deserves to be shot.