Late Laughs for the week of March 26 - April 1, 2017

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Sunday night was the first time that Amazon took home Oscars, winning two for "Manchester by the Sea." Although the CEO said: "With Amazon Prime, we could have gotten those Oscars last Tuesday."


It's come out that 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's daily workout routine includes pushups, planks and squats. Apparently, she began seriously taking care of her health last Nov. 9.


Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples.


In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.


In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now they're trying to get American bumblebees to watch it.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave his big address to Congress last night. But it was surprising: he didn't trash the media or brag about winning the election. It was the first time people playing a Trump drinking game ended up sober.


I saw that today, in Florida, President Trump made his first visit to a school since taking office. Trump was there for only five minutes before yelling out, "When's recess?!!"


After it came out that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had met with the Russian ambassador, it was revealed that Donald Trump Jr. was paid $50,000 to speak at an event hosted by Russian allies. When asked who the Russian allies were, he said: "My dad and Jeff Sessions."


Jimmy Kimmel Live

[The Oscars] went very well! We were chugging along, and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it turned into a Maury Povich paternity test show. It was the weirdest TV finale since "Lost."


As I'm sure you've at least heard, "La La Land" was simultaneously the biggest winner and loser of Oscar night.


They put a picture of a live person in the "In Memoriam" montage. Seeing yourself in an "In Memoriam" is probably one of the most surprising ways to find out you died.


Everyone, somehow, is still talking about what happened at the end of the Oscars on Sunday. Which is funny because I feel like if we discovered some microscopic form of life on other planets, it would be a big deal for like 32 hours before we forgot about it.


The Coachella music festival is getting a new headliner. Lady Gaga will fill the gap left by Beyoncé, who had to bow out because she's pregnant with twins. I don't know why Beyoncé's doctor thought it would be a bad idea to perform in the middle of the desert in front of 100,000 people on mushrooms, but he did. For those of you in other parts of the country who aren't familiar with Coachella, it's a huge gathering in the desert -- it's basically a Trader Joe's set to music in a large, open field.


The U.S. attorney general, Jeff Sessions, found himself in a bit of a pickle. After testifying under oath last month that he had no contact with Russia or with Russian operatives about the presidential election, the Washington Post ran a story reporting that he met with the Russian ambassador, a man who is described by many as a top Russian spy and recruiter, not once, but twice during the campaign. This afternoon, Sessions said: "Campaign!? I thought he said champagne!"


After members of both parties called on Sessions to recuse himself from all investigations of potential ties between the Trump campaign and Russia, today he did. He held a press conference where he recused himself, and then climbed back into his tree to go back to making cookies with the other elves.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new study suggests that not all psychopaths are bad. "Thank you," said people who pour the milk in before the cereal.


President Trump said today that he is going to "save people" from Obamacare. Kinda like how that iceberg "rescued" the Titanic from having to go to New York.


During his interview on "Fox and Friends," President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life he's actually earned.


According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won't bother to tell you.


A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide.


According to reports, for the first time in 146 years, Chicago has not had snow in the months of January and February. So either climate change is real, or the Cubs winning the World Series really screwed up the universe.


President Trump last night announced the creation of a department called "VOICE," which will deal specifically with crimes committed against Americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with "The Voice," which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers.


Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent.


Today was World Math Day. "YAY!" said a muffled voice from inside a locker.


Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you're probably not drunk enough to eat it.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Without offering any evidence, in a series of tweets Donald Trump accused former president Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. He even tweeted: "Is it legal for a sitting president to be wiretapping a race for president prior to an election?" Dude, you're the president of the United States and you're seeking legal counsel on Twitter? That's like your doctor tweeting out, "Hey, does this look infected?"


I do have to give Trump some credit, though. Earlier this week he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78 percent of Americans had a positive reaction to Trump's speech. But that's just because the bar was set at "read words good." It's not an encouraging sign that we're holding the president of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah boy.


President Trump appeared optimistic, saying: "Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed." Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who's spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they'll fix something, you know they're just going to send some Russian dude to do it.


President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a depleted military. Depleted military? In relation to what, the Death Star? I think our military has body dysmorphia. We're like that 'roided-out guy at the gym, slamming plates around, still working on our traps. Yeah dude, we get it, you're strong. Maybe focus on education now.


The pizza chain Famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana, will ship New York City water to the African country to make their pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana: "Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time?"


A British songwriter is suing U2, claiming that the band stole one of his songs. Though I don't like the songwriter's chances, because his lawyer is working pro Bono.