Conan

Did you see that Spike Lee tried to leave before the show was over and they wouldn't let him? I just want to quickly say, ladies and gentlemen, we have the same rule here.

 

Kim Jong Un arrived at the summit via a train ride that took almost 70 hours. In other words, they do have Amtrak in Vietnam.

 

Apparently, President Trump wasn't happy with the Oscars. Did you know that? True story. He was furious that Best Foreign Film went to someone from another country.

 

No one can agree on why the summit ended. Kim Jong Un is saying one thing and President Trump is saying another. I don't know who to believe -- the crazy-haired, chubby dictator who barely speaks English, or Kim Jong Un.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

There's a fake Little Caesars coupon scam going around online. The only thing sadder than using a coupon for Little Caesars is hearing the cashier say, "Sir, this is fake."

 

The AARP is making a new reality show called "Date My Grandma." It's like "The Bachelorette," but instead of a Fantasy Suite, they get a booth at Denny's.

 

I saw a story in USA Today about a Texas man who's spending his retirement living at a Holiday Inn. When friends told him he was in USA Today, he was like, "I know, I live at a Holiday Inn."

 

I saw that HBO just released a new clip from the final season of "Game of Thrones." Or it was just an old clip, but it's been so long that none of us noticed.

 

Oprah lost $58 million after Weight Watchers' stock went down. Even worse, thanks to Weight Watchers, she'll never gain it back.

 

Target is now selling wine for just $10 a bottle. Meanwhile, Walmart just tapped a keg of Natty Light in the patio section and said, "Go nuts."

 

I saw that Kia just debuted a new electric car that has a dashboard with 21 screens. 21 screens! They even have a name for it: "The Accidenté."

 

Disney has a new "Star Wars" theme park, and they're promising "a fully physical and immersive experience." So kids, get ready for a ride where dad cuts your hand off.

 

Last night were the Academy Awards! It's when Hollywood gathers together to celebrate all the incredible films nobody saw.

 

Of course, there were some interesting winners last night. For example, the Oscar for Best Animated Short went to Kim Jong Un.

 

I read that Florida's Clearwater Beach was just voted the Best Beach in America. Yep, and as soon as I said that, it just became the WORST beach in America.

 

A new report found that the New York Knicks are the NBA's most valuable team, at $4 billion. It's crazy -- that's $1 billion for every game they've won this year.

 

Teachers at a high school in Queens are complaining that the principal is letting the students smoke weed. Yeah, you can tell weed's a problem, ‘cause this year's school play was "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle."

 

After this week's summit fell apart, North Korea says Kim Jong Un may have "lost the will" for future negotiations. Meanwhile, when they heard the phrase "lost the will," all of Trump's kids passed out.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Boy, there was an awful lot of singing on the show last night. The theme for the Oscars this year was "The Grammys."

 

This was the fifth year, out of the last six years, that a Mexican director won Best Director. Steven Spielberg was like, "build that wall already, will ya?!"

 

On Saturday, an armored train carrying Kim Jong Un left the station in Pyongyang at 5 p.m. local time, and will travel 2,800 miles to Vietnam. Which sounds like the beginning of a math problem.

 

Trump and Kim Jong Un will meet tomorrow night for what is being called a "small dinner." Already I don't believe it. Neither one of those two has ever eaten a "small dinner."

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new study has found that a dog's personality can match their owner's personality. While a cat's personality can match the personality of someone who wants their owner dead.

 

Rami Malek took home the Oscar for Best Actor last night for his portrayal of Freddie Mercury in "Bohemian Rhapsody." While I'm pretty sure Lady Gaga took home Bradley Cooper.

 

New York lawmakers have proposed a new bill that would make baseball the state's official sport. Replacing the current official sport: trying to urinate between two parked cars without getting caught.

 

According to a new study, the financial responsibility of having children reduces a person's happiness. But it's balanced out by the joy of your toddler telling you you're fat.

 

Shoe brand Saucony has come out with a shoe that looks like avocado toast. It comes in green or, if you wait until tomorrow, brown.

 

The first Mardi Gras celebration was held in New Orleans 192 years ago today. And the streets were full of drunk men yelling "show us your ankles!"

 

A new report has placed the U.S. as the 35th healthiest country in the world. Americans celebrated by ordering a No. 3 AND a No. 5.

 

Republican Rep. Jim Jordan claimed today that Michael Cohen is only speaking out against President Trump because he is upset he was not given a job in the White House. Because everyone knows that getting a job in the Trump White House can be a solid source of income for weeks.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A man who was sentenced to life for murder at age 17 has been released from prison at the age of 74. The man says he can't wait to see his friends and family, but what he misses the most is murdering.

 

R. Kelly has faced a string of financial problems, including unpaid child support. Although, for R. Kelly, "unpaid child support" is also alimony.

 

Bryce Harper has signed a 13-year, $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question: "How much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia?"

 

In an effort to compete with Victoria's Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It's lingerie that'll have your man saying, "Not tonight."