Late Laughs for the week of March 22 - 28, 2020

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Vice-President Mike Pence has been put in charge of stopping the spread of the coronavirus in the United States. In other words, it's been nice knowing you.


Political analysts say that during tonight's debate, the other candidates are going to try and bring down Bernie Sanders. They plan on confusing Bernie by asking him his iTunes password.


In Los Angeles, true story, a man was caught stealing a hearse with a dead body inside. Sometimes, the urge to drive in the carpool lane is just too strong.


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Alone time is like a phone charger for my soul. Just like a phone charger, someone always comes to borrow it at the most inconvenient time.


Cloning is a pretty complicated process. But to break it down for you, you take genetic material from someone and put it into an empty egg. Then a clone grows from that egg. Who came up with this, Yoshi?


When I first moved here, I didn't have very many friends. It was just me and my recording equipment. So I did what everyone else in Hollywood does: I hired friends.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I really am excited to be doing a show on the subway. Although I'm not really here by choice. Unfortunately, NBC lost their entire budget on the movie "Cats," and this is all we can afford.


ABC is working on a new version of "The Bachelor" for the elderly. I'm not sure it's necessary. There's already a place where old people can meet: it's called the Democratic debates.


Earlier tonight, there was another Democratic debate, and Bernie Sanders looked to cement his front-runner status. You can tell Bernie is feeling good. Before the debate, he picked up a new suit from the dumpster behind T.J. Maxx.


A new survey found that 38% of Americans won't buy Corona beer because of the coronavirus. While the other 62% were like, "Relax! That's what the lime is for. It sterilizes the beer."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

There might be a lot more people infected [with the coronavirus] than we know about, because on trial runs in some states, the CDC kits produced results that were inconclusive. Inconclusive is not good for a test this important. That's why when people want to find out if they're pregnant, they don't pee on a Magic 8-ball.


Democrats are dealing with their own controversy -- specifically, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. Apparently, the New York Post looked into Schumer's FEC filings and found the shocking news that he has spent $8,600 on Junior's cheesecakes in the past decade. Now, as scandals go, this one's pretty mild, and very creamy.


[Dr. Ronny] Jackson did have one strategy to keep Trump healthy. Apparently, he hid veggies in Trump's mashed potatoes. Because nothing makes a paranoid tyrant feel secure like hiding stuff in his food.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Poor Tom Steyer. He's put millions of dollars of his own money into his campaign, and he still can't get Trump to give him a nickname.


South Carolina will be going to the polls to vote for the Democratic nominee on Saturday, which means Joe Biden only has about 48 hours left to put his foot in his mouth and offend an entire state.


Tonight was the 10th Democratic presidential debate, and it was hosted right here, on this network, CBS, which explains why Bernie Sanders answered every question with "Bazinga!"


It's been reported that some Republicans in South Carolina are going to vote for Bernie Sanders because they feel he can't win against Trump. When candidate Tom Steyer heard this, he was like, "Hey! Getting votes as a joke is my thing!"


Jimmy Kimmel Live

The big winner last night at the debate, according to Donald Trump, was Donald Trump.


Mike Pence was in Michigan last night at a "Keep America Great" rally speaking to a group of farmers for whom he compared what's going on with the Democrats right now to a demolition derby. That's just what the country needs right now: a monster truck rolling over top of us!


Bernie has a lot of plans. Expensive plans, but he's smart. He's no dummy. Every time one of the other candidates asked who's gonna pay for these programs, he'd just point to Bloomberg and say, "Him!"


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A group of peacocks in Florida is being relocated after residents complained that the birds were being too aggressive and defecating on roads. Incidentally, the peacocks had the same complaint about Florida residents.


In a new interview, "Shark Tank" investor Barbara Corcoran admitted she lost nearly $400,000 in an email scam. So it's definitely worth bringing your idea for an email scam on "Shark Tank."


While in India today, President Trump and first lady Melania Trump visited Mahatma Gandhi's former home. Said Trump, "Cool, where's he live now?"