Conan: Conan O'Brien

Last night, Alejandro González Iñárritu won Best Director and Best Picture for “Birdman.” I don't have a joke here, I just wanted to impress you with my sensual pronunciation of "Alejandro González Iñárritu."

 

During her acceptance speech last night, Patricia Arquette did call for equal pay for women. Then, Oprah stood up and said: "She's right, I can't live like this."

 

Jay-Z and Beyoncé are in the news because they're renting a house in Los Angeles for $150,000 per month. The house was renting for $2,000 month, until the landlord got a rental application from Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

 

Nicolas Cage is going to be starring in a film based on Edward Snowden. Cage said he's perfect for the role, since he knows what it's like to go into hiding after doing something people don't like.

 

Today, each Krispy Kreme franchise is giving away a free doughnut to its first 1,000 customers. Unfortunately, it's not going well since the first customer is still stuck in the door.

 

The new James Bond movie in production features the oldest ever Bond girl. Which explains why he spends a lot of the movie repeating, "I SAID BOND, JAMES BOND."

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the 87th annual Academy Awards. All the big designers were on display. Emma Stone's dress was designed by Elie Saab, Scarlett Johansson was done by Versace and John Travolta was designed by Madame Tussaud.

 

Waffle House is partnering with a mail delivery service app so customers can pick up their packages at the restaurant. So if you're someone who is interested in getting packages delivered to a nearby Waffle House, congrats on being the sketchiest person on Earth.

 

A new study found that smoking weed is 114 times less harmful for people than drinking alcohol. And if you want to learn more, you can ask people waiting for their deliveries at Waffle House.

 

Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to “unlock their full potential,” because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, “You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!” And Hillary said, “Yes we can!”

 

There's this picture of a dress that someone took, and people online are fighting over what color it is. Some people say it's black and blue. Some say it's white and gold. I think someone should ask Obama, our country's first gold president.

 

After the FCC issued the net neutrality rules yesterday, President Obama posted a thank you letter online addressed to the millions of people who helped support the change. He finished with a heartfelt plea: "Could someone please tell me what net neutrality is?"

 

The Late Show: David Letterman

It's cold in New York City. It's so cold that Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris is wearing long underpants.

 

For the fifth year in a row, the Academy Award for best animated short went to Tom Cruise.

 

Guess who's turning 21 today? Justin Bieber. He's turning 21, so now he can finally drink. If you're thinking of getting something for Justin Bieber's birthday, you can't go wrong with bail money.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jimmy Kimmel

I'm glad you made it tonight. One of our guests tonight -- Viola Davis -- did not. She was supposed to get a flight home from Ohio, but she got stuck there because of the weather. Turns out, Mother Nature is the only woman more powerful than Shonda Rhimes.

 

Donald Trump says he's more serious than ever about running for president in 2016. He hasn't spelled out his platform yet, but he has spelled out the word "TRUMP" on his platform.

 

I would love to see a President Trump. I'd vote for him just to find out how he and Melania would decorate the White House.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers: Seth Meyers

On Sunday, Disney World in Orlando upped its prices to over $100. While the price of going to Disneyland is still measles.

 

Chris Soules, this season's "Bachelor," says it was uncomfortable when a contestant kissed him after discussing her dead husband. And even more uncomfortable when she whispered, “I did it.”

 

Last week in Florida, a man threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn't let him pay his tab with a rock. Although, if he thinks rocks are money, I’m guessing you don’t have to worry about his version of a bomb.

 

John Boehner yesterday said that President Obama's veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a "national embarrassment." And then, out of habit, Joe Biden said, “here!”

 

Jamaica has officially decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana for personal use. Which would be great news if anyone in Jamaica had small amounts of marijuana.

 

A student at Philadelphia University has created a Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes and baseball bats. In fact, the only thing it can’t withstand is his father’s disappointment.

 

Honey Boo Boo is recording a new music video with her family for her original song, “The Honey Boo Boo Bop.” And the only way I want to hear that song is if my other choice is Pharrell’s “Happy.”

 

The Kardashian family has signed a deal keeping them on the air for four more years and paying them $100 million. So let that be a lesson. If you really work hard and apply yourself, you are wasting your time.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

According to a new study, marijuana is the safest recreational drug people can use. “Hmm, interesting,” said a million black dudes in jail for marijuana.

 

Authorities in Arizona spent nearly two hours chasing a pair of llamas through the streets after they escaped from a petting zoo. But thankfully, this story has a happy ending: no one was hurt, and the llamas were safely returned to their prison of unwanted touching.

 

A new art class is being offered in Colorado in which people openly smoke marijuana and paint. This class is called “Every art class.”