Late Laughs for the week of March 21 - 27, 2021

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Poor Ted Cruz. He had to keep warm last night by bundling up in the robes he stole from the Ritz Carlton in Cancun.


The United States has officially rejoined the Paris Climate Accord. And not only that, in an effort to get young people involved, they're going to be calling it "The Emily In Paris Climate Accord."


President Biden held a virtual meeting with Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau. The purpose of the summit was to "reinvigorate" our relationship with our neighbors to the north and repair some of the damage caused by the previous administration. I'm glad. It's about time someone said "sorry" to Canada for once.


There is apparently a shortage of monkeys to test the vaccine, which is crazy. In my day, they sold them by the barrel!


Am I the only one who's a little concerned that monkeys are getting the vaccine before we do? Isn't this how the "Planet of the Apes" got started?


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We're approaching the pandemic's first anniversary. Now, traditionally, the gift for that is paper … on a roll … next to a toilet.


One professor at Johns Hopkins said we'll have herd immunity by April. That's great! But it does mean I have to get started on my beach bod 'cause right now I'm rocking more of a washed-up-on-the-beach bod.


If a restaurant had the health record the United States has, the letter grade out front would be "Not available, inspector devoured by rats."


Johnson & Johnson announced it can provide 20 million vaccine doses by late March. That is such great news I could cry, but I know Johnson & Johnson has a strict policy of no more tears.


According to CNN, "pandemic paranoia" is a real thing … Or is it? Who paid you to say that, CNN? How would you know I'm paranoid? Are you watching me?


If you cry at a birthday party when the clown comes out, that's a phobia. If you're one of the kids in "It," it's reasonable to avoid the sewer system.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz is like the friend who offers to help you move but every time you see him he's just carrying the same box of pillows.


After 28 years together, Daft Punk is splitting up. I'm going to be honest, they pick a pretty weird time to stop wearing their masks.


In Florida, the only way to prove that you're a senior is if you have a lower back tattoo of Andy Williams.


It was announced that some front-line and essential workers have been invited to attend this year's [Golden Globes]. They should be a really good crowd — literally the only people on Earth who didn't spend last year binge-watching every movie and show that came out.


A German rock band has started holding concerts in their van for just one fan at a time. It's a German band named "Das Awkward."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

I thought we were done with Trump. I thought we were done talking about him, and here he is sneaking back into the show like an ex who pretends they left their phone charger at your house.


President Biden had his first summit with a head of state — a virtual meeting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. The two leaders discussed the most pressing issues facing Canada, like COVID-19, climate change and how long Drake is going to keep that heart in his hair.


I'm always surprised when a drug kingpin gets married. They won't follow most laws, but they will file a marriage license down at the courthouse.


The FDA has just approved a third vaccine. Isn't that great? Now there's three vaccines none of us can get.


A new study says that talking on the phone for just 10 minutes can make you feel 20% less lonely … and if you do it right, a half an hour later, Domino's will bring you a pizza.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden reportedly carries a brown leather briefcase to the Oval Office every day. "What's inside?" asked Trump about the Oval Office.


NASA's newest rover, Perseverance, successfully landed on Mars last week. So, apparently, yeah, I am jealous of any travel.


The Biden administration began meetings with community leaders yesterday to discuss an outreach campaign to vaccine-skeptical groups. It'll be the first outreach program to use a Ouija board.


New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy signed laws to legalize marijuana in the state. Which is good news because it's been almost 20 years since New Jersey added a new smell.


According to a new study, female economists are more likely to be asked patronizing or hostile questions than male colleagues. Questions like, "How do you know math?" and "Why don't women want to date me?"