Late Laughs for the week of March 19 - 25, 2017

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is Presidents' Day, and you just know Trump was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents.


At a recent dinner, while President Trump invited other attendees to order whatever they wanted, Trump demanded Chris Christie have the White House meatloaf. Coincidentally, "White House Meatloaf" is also the position Trump is considering him for.


At a rally this weekend, President Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, who he claimed "fought with the media and called them out." Yup, that's who Abraham Lincoln was most famous for warring with. The media.


Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool: the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers.


A company in Japan has created a spread that combines coffee and butter. It's called, "I Can't Believe I'm Eating This."


President Trump had dinner with Mike Pence in the presidential dining room today. Pence said grace and Trump said, "There were 1.5 million people at my inauguration."


President Trump today visited the National Museum of African American History and Culture as part of his ongoing quest to find Barack Obama's birth certificate.


The American flag behind Vice-President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50 in honor of the new 51st U.S. state: panic.


White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump will not be watching the Academy Awards this Sunday. But I bet Spicer will, since he's nominated for "Most Animated Short."


Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There's a party later tonight, but I heard it's gonna be a real Snausage-fest.


A restaurant here in New York has started selling a so-called "New Yorker milkshake," which comes topped with whipped cream and a slice of cheesecake. Which means the next topping you'll get is a coffin lid.


Vice-President Mike Pence today toured a factory in St. Louis. Said Pence, "It's so great to be back here in the place where I was built."

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was Presidents' Day, and I read that Donald Trump's supporters were emailed a Presidents' Day card to sign for him. And since Trump was busy golfing, they were asked to sign some executive orders for him, too.


At his rally on Saturday, Trump suggested there was a terror attack in Sweden that didn't really happen, and then the Swedish Embassy asked the State Department for an explanation. You know things are bad when the country that makes Ikea instructions is totally confused.


I noticed that President Trump didn't wear a tie to his big rally in Orlando on Saturday. I guess it was either at the cleaners or he got tired of tripping over it.


A new report from the Washington Post reveals that Trump has spent 25 hours golfing during his first month in office. But during his intelligence briefings, he really buckled down and played Wii golf.


Trump made a pretty big addition to his cabinet. Yesterday, he announced his new pick for National Security Advisor is Lt.-Gen. H.R. McMaster, who was actually Trump's THIRD choice for the job. Yeah, he's like the RC Cola of National Security Advisors.


That's right, his name is H.R. McMaster. Incidentally, a "McMaster's" is also the best degree you could get from Trump University.


Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump's travel ban. You know you're doing something wrong when you're getting cyberbullied by the POPE.


Trump is still working hard to build relationships with businesses. In fact, this morning he held a meeting with a group of CEOs at the White House. Trump said he wants to replace robots with human workers, then Mike Pence said, "I'll show myself out!"


During his briefing yesterday, White House press secretary Sean Spicer said that the White House could enforce tougher drug laws in states with legal marijuana. Yeah, stoners were so upset, they immediately called their local congressman and said, "Did you call me, or did I call you?"


President Trump is getting ready to speak to Congress next Tuesday. And apparently this speech will be more upbeat than the one he gave at his inauguration. People were like, "Seriously? 'Manchester by the Sea' was more upbeat than his inauguration speech."


I read that Trump's frequent visits to his Mar-a-Lago resort have many wondering if he'll stick with the presidential tradition of visiting Camp David. While others would just be happy if he stuck with the tradition of visiting the White House.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn't sign his permission slip.


Trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on Martin Luther King Day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. It's understandable. As Dr. King himself said, "I have a dream -- unless something else comes up. Then it can wait."


For those of you keeping score at home, Donald Trump has gone golfing six times in 30 days. That explains the bumper sticker on Air Force One: "I'd rather be golfing, and there's a 20 percent chance that I am."


Yesterday, Trump was touring the Museum of African American History and Culture, and according to witnesses, he noticed a stone auction block on which slaves would stand and was moved to say, "Boy, that is just not good. That is not good." I haven't heard that kind of eloquent enunciation since the Civil War novel "The Red Badge of Dang, That Is Messed Up."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

It was reported this week that Donald Trump has made six different trips to golf courses in Florida in his first month as president. It's definitely a lot for a guy who once tweeted: "Can you believe that with all the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf?" We all thought Trump was being critical. Turns out he was being jealous.


The Washington Post says that [Donald Trump] has lied over 130 times in just his first month. If you do the math, he's releasing an average of four false or misleading statements per day. On the bright side, you can't say Trump isn't getting anything done.


Now the most shocking thing in this report is that it's only been 34 days. How? It feels like he's halfway into his second term, doesn't it? This is the first administration where the public is aging faster than the president.


It makes sense that Trump tells the most fibs of any president -- even the color of his skin is a lie.


The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off today. This is a huge convention that Republicans attend, and this year they'll have guest speakers like Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump. It's basically two days of speeches followed by 19 days of fact checking.