Late Laughs for the week of March 17 - 23, 2019

« Back to Talk

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The other day, a woman gave birth to a baby boy on a JetBlue flight. It was stressful, but now JetBlue can finally say they had an early arrival.


A new study found that women who have more children actually age more slowly. While women who have no children couldn't take part in the study 'cause they were busy having the time of their lives.


The McDonald's Shamrock Shake is back! Some people said, "It's a little early," while Americans were like, "Shut up, we need this!"


Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife want to end all diseases by the end of the century. When he heard, the CEO of Tinder was like, "Yeah, we'll see about that."


Bernie Sanders has announced that he's running for president! Although, at age 77 years old, he isn't so much running as he is slowly wandering for president.


At age 77, Bernie is the only candidate who tossed his hat AND his teeth into the ring.


In honor of next week's summit, a barber in Vietnam is giving free haircuts in the style of Trump and Kim Jong Un. The barber came up with the idea after realizing he was really bad at cutting hair.


President's Day honors George Washington's birthday, and I saw that today he'd be 287 years old. If Washington were here, he'd say, "Holy crap, Bernie Sanders is still alive?!"


Researchers say they've created artificial intelligence that's so good at texting that it's too dangerous to be released. Yeah, it even knows how to play with your emotions, like making you see three bubbles come up and then never sending anything.


In a speech today, Vladimir Putin said Russia would use its new hypersonic missiles that can fly nine times the speed of sound. Of course, if he targets New York, they'll still have to circle over LaGuardia for a few hours before they can strike.


The Oscars are on Sunday! And I saw that "Roma" could become the first foreign language film to win Best Picture. Unless you count Bradley Cooper talking in "A Star Is Born" as a "foreign language."


Each gold-plated Oscar statue is only worth $400. It's pretty crazy -- if someone offers you an Oscar or an Apple Watch, you actually have to stop and think about it.


I heard that once it's legal, New York City bodegas could start selling weed. Or as the owners put it, "Yeeeahh ... START selling weed ..."


The other day, strong tailwinds caused a commercial flight from L.A. to London to go faster than the speed of sound. The pilot was like, "On your left is the Hollywood sign and on your right is Buckingham Palace."


After a guy in Dallas finished in last place in his Fantasy Football league, he had to go to a dog park covered in peanut butter. His friends laughed, then got concerned when he went back again the next day.


Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga are performing their hit song "Shallow" at the Oscars. That's great -- in case you missed hearing it at the Grammys, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, YouTube or every radio station, you'll be able to see it on the Oscars.


Everyone's excited for the Oscars. It's the night when all the biggest movie stars put on expensive clothes, spend half the day getting their hair and makeup done, sit through a four-hour show and then say, "Awards don't matter."


The San Diego Padres are signing shortstop Manny Machado to the biggest baseball contract ever, worth $300 million. They told Manny, "We're excited to have you," then told all their other players, "We're gonna have to let you go."


Google forgot to notify customers that it put microphones in its Nest security systems. When asked if customers were upset, Google said, "Yeah, they sound upset."


This spring, Trump's heading to Japan. Which means we're just three months away from seeing the president of the United States dip his sushi in ketchup.


This Sunday is the 91st annual Academy Awards. Ninety-one is old for an awards show, but it's young if you're a Democrat running for president.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

A man in New Jersey recently robbed a home and then ordered a Lyft as a getaway car. When the car arrived, he jumped inside, only to realize he had mistakenly entered an unmarked police car. This is the shortest season of "True Detective" ever.


The new Galaxy Fold can instantly double in size. It's basically me after the holiday break.


According to a new study, dog owners take more pictures of their pets than they do of their spouse. I feel like this study has already been conducted several million times by anyone who's ever been on Instagram.


Dog owners take more pictures of their pet than of their spouse. The same is also true for cat owners, except they never have spouses.


Break dancing in the Olympics is the first event in history where you can become a gold medalist and somehow still disappoint your parents with your career choice.


At 77 years old, Bernie Sanders would be the oldest president in history, which explains his brand new campaign yard signs, "Get Off My Lawn."


Today was President's Day, and when you consider who the president is, it makes absolute sense -- and this is true -- that it was also National Drink Wine Day.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new study, 25 percent of millennials would go to jail for a week if it meant they could own their dream home. Said millennials, "Free meals and only one roommate?! That is my dream home."


Duchess Meghan Markle was in New York City yesterday for her baby shower. "I can't wait till it arrives!" said a New Yorker about the train.


State officials in New York have approved a new plan that will surround part of Staten Island with a 5.3-mile-long seawall to protect it from flooding. And to protect the rest of New York from Staten Island.


A Massachusetts family's dog was recently found 175 miles away from their home after it jumped a wall and escaped their yard. But sure. Walls work.


The Bernie Sanders campaign has announced that in the first 12 hours after launching his presidential bid, Sanders raised more than $4 million in donations. Which is great for Sanders but terrible for the guy behind him at Coinstar.