The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Some days the news is frustrating. And by "some days," I mean every day for the last three years.

 

It's crazy. Seventy-five percent of Americans don't agree on anything except, maybe, "puppies good, 'Cats' movie bad."

 

Golf carts are critical security vehicles! They can be taken over only if the terrorists discover walking briskly.

 

Domino's Pizza has debuted a one-of-a-kind, pizza-themed engagement ring, perfect for people who want to guarantee the end of their relationship in 30 minutes or less.

 

Conan

The WNBA is guaranteeing maternity leave for its players. In response, the NBA said, "If we offered our players paternity leave, there'd be no NBA."

 

"1917" was predicted to win Best Picture [at the Oscars] and it didn't. The producer was furious and said, "We fought World War I for nothing."

 

A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Gamers are better role models than basketball players because you can't cheat on your wife if you've never talked to a girl.

 

Did you know that Saudi Arabia gave a robot named Sophia citizenship? Looks like in Saudi Arabia you can have more rights as a robot than a woman.

 

"Frozen 2" is out six years after the original, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time it took to get "Let It Go" out of our heads the first time!

 

So let's get this straight: In Eastern Asia, everyone wants to be whiter; in North America, everyone wants to be tan. So, it turns out that the only thing everyone on Earth has in common is low self-esteem.

 

If you don't know, the friend zone is when you're told someone would be lucky to date you ... by the person who will never date you.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Attorney General William Barr said that the president's tweets make it impossible for him to do his job. Meanwhile, Trump's tweets make it very possible for me to do my job.

 

I wanna wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day! If you and that special someone agreed that you're not exchanging gifts this year, right now you're probably realizing that was a trap.

 

In Florida, there was a raccoon that had to be rescued from a vending machine. The rescue was pretty easy: firefighters just put in a dollar and hit A2.

 

Police in Scotland were called after thousands of people signed up to a massive game of hide and seek in Ikea. It only should have taken them 20 minutes to assemble a team, but since it was Ikea, it took them seven hours.

 

In Australia, a student pilot had to land the plane after his flying instructor passed out during his very first lesson. The student was congratulated by officials, while the instructor was hired by Spirit Airlines.

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The city of Lakeland, Florida, has shut down parts of a city park due to a rather usual annual event. Caution tape was put around an area of the park to keep visitors away from a "snake orgy." Turns out, these anacondas do want some.

 

The Democrats held a debate earlier tonight in Vegas, and because it's Vegas -- fun twist -- they replaced all the podiums with slot machines.

 

A deep-sea diver off the coast of Australia managed to capture a rather unusual photo. Experts say this is the world's only known pink manta ray. I gotta say, these gender reveal parties are getting out of control.

 

Bernie Sanders is the odds-on favorite to win in Nevada. It's just nice that people in Las Vegas are feeling "the Bern" from something other than a one-night stand.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president's buddy Kim Jong Un reportedly sent Trump a letter inviting him to North Korea. Trump visits with Kim Jong Un so much he might as well start leaving a toothbrush at his house.

 

While he was [in California], Trump took time to criticize our cities for the homelessness crisis we're experiencing and said he plans to do something about it. Which is good. It would be great if he let all the homeless people stay at a Trump Hotel. I hear they've got a lot of empty rooms.

 

Non-criminals aren't usually scared when people take notes in a meeting. It's the reason the mafia doesn't have stenographers in the family.

 

You know, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are old friends. They actually met at Benjamin Franklin's bar mitzvah.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In an effort to improve its reputation, Spirit Airlines yesterday unveiled new seats that will be available to customers in November. And I think it will help, because the new seats are on United Airlines.

 

A pub in Britain attempted to break a Guinness World Record this weekend by hosting a so-called "Nigel Night," gathering 433 people named Nigel in one location. The previous record was 388 Nigels, which was set every other night.

 

According to a new study, 78% of parents steal Halloween candy from their children. While 100% of children steal 18 years of life from their parents