The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

If you're upset that you can't go to Times Square on New Year's Eve, then I'm pretty sure you've never been to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Police in Louisiana arrested a man after he went swimming in the aquarium at a Bass Pro Shops. Employees said they would have gotten him out, if only there were some fishing gear nearby.

Harrison Ford will star in a fifth and final Indiana Jones movie. It's a two-hour adventure of him trying to remember where he left his hat.

Walmart is preparing to administer COVID vaccines at their stores. It reminds me of a few years ago when my uncle had a heart valve replaced at Kmart.

Right now, enthusiasm for the vaccine is somewhere between the new PS5 and the McRib.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Is this real life or are we trapped in a new season of "24"? I was just getting used to being trapped in a crossover episode of "The West Wing" and "The Walking Dead."

Nothing makes people feel more valued than hearing, "I'm only spending time with you because of the plague."

Florida is officially America's cheating boyfriend — why do we always think we can change him?

[Trump budgeting for a non-existent second term] is some industrial-strength denial. At a certain point, even Norman Bates was like, "I'm starting to think my mom's not looking too great."

Conspiracy theorists believe that the vaccine is a cover for a plan to implant trackable microchips, and that Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates is behind it. So, congratulations to Bill Gates on your new army of elderly Brits!

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

You can name a cockroach after your ex and watch it get eaten by a lizard. Nothing heals the heart like the crunch of your ex-lover's six legs.

Kraft is releasing a limited-time candy-flavored mac and cheese. The mac and cheese is also pink and it says that the pink hue comes from beetroot, carrot concentrate and whatever they feed Teletubbies.

It's estimated that by 2022, 300 million homes will be smart homes. Which is really sad because by 2022, I probably still won't be able to come over.

People are out here with smart plates that change the color of your shower. Why do you need your shower to be a rave? Showers are for one thing and one thing only: to cry in.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Gucci is now selling denim overalls with fake grass stains on them. I do like the idea of pre-staining my clothes, so if I spill chocolate on a white sweater, I can be like, "No, it's supposed to be like that. It's Gucci."

A dentist in Alaska was recently sentenced to 12 years in prison — he extracted a patient's tooth while riding a hoverboard. Now look, I'm not a dentist, but even I know if you're pulling a tooth you use a pogo stick!

That'll impress the young voters to get out there, tell them you're almost as popular as a 1970s sitcom about the Korean war.

Rudy Giuliani sounds like he's trying to give a press conference while also trying to stop himself turning into a werewolf.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In New Orleans, they had the coldest Fat Tuesday in more than a hundred years. People on the streets were putting their tops on.

It's really an accomplishment to be Donald Trump's worst lawyer when his last lawyer got caught playing salami karate with Borat's daughter.

The White House is said to be in talks with Amazon right now to help distribute the vaccine. The way it will work is any Prime member who can prove they've watched all six seasons of "Bosch" will get vaccinated.

While his fellow Texans are freezing with the power out, Ted Cruz did what any great leader would do when his state needs leadership most: he booked a flight to Mexico.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to surveys, former president Trump remains the most popular national figure in the Republican party. Which is kind of like saying that Wawa has the best sushi of any gas station.

According to a new survey, 81% of pet owners said that they've been treating their cat or dog more like a child during the coronavirus pandemic. Oh, great. A whole generation of pets who will grow up second-guessing themselves: "Do I wanna fetch that ball, or is that just my mother's voice?"

Today was National Lard Day. Seems like the time between National Lard Days is always shortening.