Late Laughs for the week of March 12 - 18, 2017

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

We just learned from multiple intelligence sources that Trump aides were "in constant touch with senior Russian officials during the campaign." Constant Touch, by the way, is also Trump's Secret Service code name.


This afternoon, we learned that Trump's secretary of labor nominee, Andy Puzder, has withdrawn his nomination. Just to be clear, this is not a scandal. He says he just wants to spend more time with Michael Flynn.


The CEO of Hardee's and Carl's Jr. was controversial for many reasons. He had an undocumented housekeeper, made ads that famously objectified women and called his own fast food employees "the worst of the worst." That's not right. Hardee's employees are great. It's the food that's the worst of the worst.


Trump held a press conference today because, in the middle of all this insanity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the White House. As a courtesy, Trump asked his staff to put a 24-hour hold on retweeting neo-Nazis. That's just good manners.



Scott Baio said he is furious with Nordstrom for dropping Ivanka Trump's clothing line. But mostly, Baio's mad at Nordstrom for cutting his hours working in the stockroom.


Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake.


Adele won five Grammys, while Beyoncé only won two. And, as if that weren't enough, Adele then announced she was pregnant with triplets.


Scientists are hoping to use quinoa to fight world hunger. After hearing this, hungry people all around the world said, "Actually, we're good."


At an international tennis match, U.S. officials accidentally played the Nazi national anthem. White House adviser Steve Bannon was outraged and said, "We're not rolling that out till August!"


The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army's elite Hacky Sack Corps.


A Russian spy ship was spotted off the east coast of the United States. It was here to give former national security adviser Michael Flynn a ride back home.


In the wake of the Flynn resignation, Democrats are asking what President Trump knew. This is historic -- it's the first time anyone's ever accused Donald Trump of knowing too much.


Astronomers say they now know the approximate weight of the Milky Way. They found this out by adding 10 pounds to the Milky Way's weight on its Tinder profile.


Thieves in London made off with $3 million worth of rare books from the Middle Ages. Authorities describe the suspect as "boring."


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

During his [Grammy] performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as "President Agent Orange." Then the Secret Service said, "Great, now he needs a new code name!"


Trump went on Twitter this morning and said that MSNBC and CNN are unwatchable. Then he said, "And I know, because I spend ALL DAY watching them."


ABC just announced that Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney, will be the first African-American to star as "The Bachelorette." Even more impressive: she's the first Bachelorette with a real job!


A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they're going to fix them, the government was like, "Eh, we'll cross that gaping hole when we get to it."


Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, "You should not be talking to reporters."


Trump discussed the recent bombshell about his staff communicating with Russia, and he said that he hasn't made a phone call to Russia in years. You could tell Trump was lying because his tie grew another three inches.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

CeeLo Green came to the Grammys dressed head to toe in gold. He looks like he escaped from a secret room in Trump Tower. You know that costume probably seemed like a good idea yesterday, and tonight CeeLo's still finding gold paint in all kinds of places.


Yesterday, an official government tweet was posted for Black History Month, celebrating civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois. There were two problems with the tweet. One was Du Bois's name was spelled wrong, and the other problem was that the tweet was posted by the Department of Education. I don't know who at the Department of Education wrote this tweet, but whoever it is should have been held back a year. Or at least make them go back and repeat Black History Month.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Immigrants were encouraged to skip work today for what they called a "Day Without Immigrants." Or, as Steve Bannon calls it, "A good start."


Anti-Trumpers marched in Philadelphia, Austin, Washington and other cities. Here in L.A., with no immigrants to turn to, people were forced to babysit their own kids. It was awful.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

During their Grammy performance last night, rap group A Tribe Called Quest referred to President Trump as "President Agent Orange." It's the closest Trump has come to being involved in Vietnam.


Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today that there is no greater supporter of the Jewish state than President Trump. Said Trump, "Absolutely, I love Florida. Fantastic Jewish state."


Burger King is reportedly close to buying Popeye's Chicken. Wow, Burger King must be really drunk.


Secretary of State Rex Tillerson today said that Russia must respect its international commitments toward Ukraine -- and then he winked so hard he accidentally swallowed his eyebrow.


President Trump today tweeted that the "failing New York Times must apologize" for publishing leaks from his administration. But at this point, if they didn't publish White House leaks, the whole paper would just be the crossword.


The makers of the board game Monopoly have announced that they are dropping the thimble token in favor of new pieces in the shape of emojis and hashtags. Although, if you're trying to modernize Monopoly, maybe start with Oriental Avenue.