Late Laughs for the week of March 1 - 7, 2020

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A Little Late With Lilly Singh

I'm realizing I need to get better at dating. Let's be real: I'm bored, I'm lonely, I need to put someone else on my will besides my dog, Sparkles.


You can tell I'm new to drinking because of what I order. I'm not one of those cool people who likes whiskey or scotch -- I like really sweet drinks like cosmos, fruit-flavored vodkas, the stuff that makes the bartender assume I got in with a fake ID.


You know the first record of a woman wearing high-heeled shoes dates all the way back to the 16th century, and I'm sure her blisters will be healed any day now.



President Trump's legal adviser, Jenna Ellis, criticized the halftime show as "demeaning to women." She said the president believes there is a time and a place to demean women, and that's Twitter.


After President Trump gave his State of the Union address, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tore it in half. Then Melania said, "Great! Now do my prenup."


The Oscars are on Sunday, and just to prepare you, it could be a very long night. The results are being tabulated by the Iowa Democrats.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning Super Bowl LIV. And an even bigger congrats to everyone in Kansas City who actually showed up to work today.


Bernie Sanders hosted a Super Bowl party in Iowa yesterday. He even made his special three-layer dip of Robitussin, Metamucil and Werther's Originals.


If NBC can count the votes for "The Voice," then Iowa should be able to do it for a presidential election.


Nancy Pelosi extended her hand to President Trump, and he wouldn't shake it. I'm not saying it was bad, but even flights circling LaGuardia aren't left hanging that long.


It was an uncomfortable night all around. Before Trump's speech, Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence stood next to each other in awkward silence for several minutes. Even the twins from "The Shining" were like, "Hey, you're creeping us out."


Trump was acquitted today, and then he called up Ukraine and said, "Now, where were we?"


This morning, President Trump attended the National Prayer Breakfast. After being acquitted, God was like, "Oh, you better be here."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Of course, Trump doesn't think of marriage when he thinks of Moscow. For Trump, Moscow means a binding oath of loyalty that you can not break until death.


This is like saying, "Yes he cheated at poker, but how dare you accuse him of cheating you at poker! He will now prove his innocence by cheating you at poker."


Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to USA Today, the most popular Super Bowl ad was the Jeep ad where Bill Murray rode around with a groundhog. And the least-liked commercial – was Donald Trump's re-election campaign ad. It was rated last. Donald Trump is less popular than Scientology and a hummus.


All the liberal networks pre-empted their regular programming for [the State of the Union]. Instead of a new episode of "This Is Us," most Americans spent tonight going, "This is us?"


The day after Robert Mueller testified was the day [Trump] threatened Ukraine and Biden. Tomorrow, he'll probably call China to see if he can give Bernie the coronavirus.


Before his victory speech, Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast, which was a tough decision because on the one hand, he doesn't like to pray, but on the other hand, he loves breakfast.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Officials in China opened a new hospital today to deal with the outbreak of coronavirus that was built in just 10 days. And officials in New York said the escalator at the 125th Street subway station should be fixed by 2024.


President Trump delivered the State of the Union address today. And I think he's feeling cocky, 'cause he just said, "It's good," and walked off stage.


The makers of Peeps have announced they will be selling Hot Tamale-flavored marshmallows this Easter season. And when he heard that, Jesus announced he's not coming back.


President Trump delivered the State of the Union address last night and claimed that he has led a "great American comeback." Please. Everyone knows the great American comeback is, "That's what she said."


After finishing in third place in the Iowa caucuses, Sen. Elizabeth Warren is pulling $500,000 worth of television ads. And, after finishing fourth, Joe Biden is thinking about pulling a Tonya Harding.


Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

Boxers Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly 40 years after they last fought. The fight will consist of 10 rounds of boxing and 80 bathroom breaks. It'll be the first fight decided by natural causes.


Sen. Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during the Iowa Caucuses for bringing her family's "Tater Tot Hot Dish" to events. Coincidentally, "Tater Tot Hot Dish" is the name of a guy Joe Biden wrestled in a public pool in 1962.


In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigated the Bidens. Hey guys, what's up with the books? When there's an emergency, just tell us right away. If your friend's about to get murdered, you don't go off and write a novel called, "The Killer Behind You."