Late Laughs for the week of June 9-15, 2019

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

There's another controversy over who might be the new Batman. It is rumored that Robert Pattinson from the Twilight movies might be the next Batman. If you think about it, it makes sense. He was a vampire, now he's a bat.


Comic book fans haven't been this angry since every other time they announced who's playing Batman. You know who wouldn't give a crap about who they cast as the new Batman? Batman.


In the ("Game of Thrones" finale), Westeros was left with a system of government not unlike our own. One in which a leader is chosen not by birthright, but by three women and 10 white guys.



Last night was the final episode of "Game of Thrones" and people are not happy about it. USA Today was railing against it. It was the angriest pie chart I've ever seen.


That's why I'm happy I've put a lot of thought into how our show is going to end. It's going to be Season 48, oh boy. I'm gonna burn the whole set down and then I'm gonna marry my Aunt Louise.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Everybody's talking about last night's episode of "Game of Thrones." Now, I won't give away any spoilers -- but I will say they killed off the Starbucks cup.


"Game of Thrones" might be winding down, but "The Bachelorette" is just getting started. The season premiere was tonight, and you can tell they're trying to copy the success of "Game of Thrones," because one of the contestants is her brother.


President Trump is in a trade war with China, and I saw that Chinese officials said that, "No one should expect China to swallow bitter fruit." Then Trump fired back: "I believe the word is 'vegetable.'"


I saw that the CEO of Bed Bath & Beyond is stepping down. He was supposed to leave Bed Bath & Beyond last month, but he kept seeing things he needed.


Donald Trump Jr. agreed to testify before a Senate Committee, but only for a maximum of four hours. Apparently that's as long as Don Jr. can leave Eric outside in the car.


New York Mayor Bill de Blasio joined the race, and a lot of people were surprised because his poll numbers are pretty bad. Right now, just 21 percent of New Yorkers support him running. To put that in perspective, 22 percent of New Yorkers support a wet seat on the subway.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

This is the first time two brothers have played each other in the Conference finals -- Steph and Seth Curry. It's great news for NBA fans, terrible news for anyone with a lisp.


An Australian man was recently out walking his dog when he found a gold nugget worth $37,000. Does anything ever go wrong for Chris Hemsworth?


The beer company Natural Light is currently looking for a paid intern to spend their working days sampling the company's beer. Well, they're calling in an internship; it's really more of a training course for future divorced dads.


A man in Wisconsin went to the police department to claim a backpack that he had left in a library, but the man was immediately arrested because that backpack was filled with meth. Now, I know it sounds stupid to go to the police station to pick up your meth, right? In the man's defense, he was on a lot of meth.


According to new research, the back seat of a rideshare vehicle has over 35,000 times more germs than the average toilet seat. Yeah, I know. They are definitely losing at least half a star.


Rideshare seats are dirtier and more dangerous than a toilet seat. Plus, the toilet seat won't spend 20 minutes rambling about his idea to make socks for dogs.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to the New York Times, President Trump uses more profanity in public speeches, interviews and in tweets than previous presidents. OK, I'll give you public speeches and interviews, but tweets seems pretty unfair. Twitter is 13 years old. No one's like, "Not Lincoln, that's a guy who could tweet!"


"Game of Thrones" will air its final episode this weekend. And if you're wondering who's going to die, my guess is HBO.


The NBA Draft Lottery was last night, with the New Orleans Pelicans getting the top pick. Even though New Orleans Pelicans sounds like a fake team they would mention in a movie so you know it's the future. "You see that Pelicans game? The whole space station's talkin' about it!"


Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a five-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone.


The Washington Post has published an article claiming that parents who named their children after the "Game of Thrones" character Daenerys Targaryen may regret the decision due to her actions in the show's final season. Though if you named your kid Daenerys, this probably isn't your first regret.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

China retaliated to President Trump's tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products that the U.S sells to China. Wait, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I've never been to China, but I have been to Chinatown and one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they gotta do is change one letter and sell a billion "Abble Watches."


Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller, who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration's immigration plan. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on that wall watching all the other flies swarm around their master.


In a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it would send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately, it's against her will. It's a plan they're calling LAUNCH HER UP.


A new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America, but keep in mind, the survey was conducted by "Catastrophic Hearing Loss" magazine.