Late Night With Seth Meyers

Centrist politician Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election yesterday over far-right candidate Marine Le Pen, thanks to France's unusual practice of awarding the presidency to the person with the most votes.

 

According to a new report, Sen. Bernie Sanders's wife, Jane Sanders, is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, her husband is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft.

 

Former president Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a new book called "The President Is Missing." It'll be followed by the sequel, "Never Mind, He's at the Golf Course."

 

Queen Elizabeth was spotted driving herself home from church yesterday in a Jaguar. A jaguar? All I see is a cougar.

 

A Toyota recently set a record for world's fastest SUV after going 230 miles per hour. It was driven by a mom who forgot her kid at soccer practice.

 

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world's first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means.

 

The White House announced yesterday that President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Yet another longtime dream that Trump stole from Hillary.

 

President Vladimir Putin said today that Russia had "nothing to do with" the firing of FBI Director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey's alive.

 

A retreat called "Cannabliss" will take place next month in California. It's a five-day marijuana festival that lasts 10 days.

 

Acting FBI director Andrew McCabe testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee today. It went like this: "Do you swear to the tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I do." "OK, you're fired."

 

President Trump said that FBI Director James Comey told him at a dinner that he was not under investigation. OK, but if you were, do you think an FBI agent would tell you? Do you also think SWAT teams send a Save the Date?

 

President Trump will meet with the president of Turkey next week. He has a lot of questions he wants to ask, like "why does Turkey have a president, but chicken has a colonel?"

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, France elected 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he's worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature. Then he went back to tweeting insults at CNN.

 

A man who runs a pizzeria in California made a gluten-free pizza entirely out of cheese. Or, and hear me out, he just made cheese.

 

I read that Facebook is shutting down its virtual reality film studio. People were like, "If I wanted to see my Facebook friends in 3D, I'd actually hang out with them."

 

I saw that yesterday President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a "taxpayer-funded charade." And he said he'd be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer.

 

It's rumored that Trump regrets picking H.R. McMaster as his National Security Adviser. He said: "I'll be honest, when they asked if I wanted a McMaster, I thought it was a hamburger."

 

I saw that Trump's daughter, Tiffany, will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, "Congratulations to my non-Ivanka daughter!"

A statue of Ronald McDonald that had gone missing from a New Jersey McDonald's was just found unharmed. When asked why they returned it, the thieves said: "Turns out having a Ronald McDonald statue just sitting in your house is a lot creepier than we thought."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump today -- who, maybe you haven't heard, is president -- fired James Comey, the director of the FBI. He fired the guy who is investigating potential collusion between his campaign and Russia. Which is kind of like O.J. firing Judge Ito halfway through the trial.

 

You know, when we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified that we didn't mean Nixon.

 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself from the Russia investigation, is now leading the search for a new director of the FBI, who would then lead the Russian investigation. Is it possible he doesn't know what the word "recuse" means?

 

I think the strangest thing about how all this went down is that Trump fired James Comey by letter. He didn't even say "You're fired!"  Which is his catch phrase! It would be like Arnold Schwarzenegger leaving a party and just going, "See ya."

 

Meanwhile, President Trump's approval rating has hit near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, Trump's approval rating has sunk to 36 percent. If it gets down into the 20s, he might start dating it.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Well, I know most of us think this every week, but this week was crazy! On Tuesday, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar.

 

Trump came forward and said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey, quote, "Wasn't doing a good job." Then called Comey a "showboat." This guy is a showboat? He looks like if the word "gosh" became a person.

 

Trump was reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean, if a drug-sniffing dog came up to your bag in the airport and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder what was in that bag! Or they'd just assume you worked for United.

 

Steve Bannon reportedly told the President that this was not the right time to fire Comey. You know something looks bad when Steve Bannon walks in your office with his hotdog breath and his 10 o'clock shadow, like, "This could be bad for our image."

 

President Trump warned in a tweet that, "James Comey better hope that there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!" I don't even know what that means, because he put the word "tapes" in quotes. Adding random quotations to a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. It's the difference between saying, "Grandma is sleeping" and "Grandma is 'sleeping.'"

 

Trump also tweeted: "As a very active president, with lots of things happening, it's not possible for my surrogates to stand at the podium with perfect accuracy." First of all, "very active" is not how you describe a president. That's how you describe the imagination of a child who draws pictures of his school on fire.