The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Before his visit to England, Trump actually backed Boris Johnson to be the next prime minister, but the feeling might not be mutual, because Boris Johnson turned down a Trump meeting. To which Queen Elizabeth responded, "No one told me that was an option!"

 

Instead of meeting at a castle like the Irish government suggested, Trump greeted our ally in the VIP lounge of Shannon Airport. Oh, the grandeur. They've released the menu for that state dinner -- it's a bottle of Dasani, a bag of Gummi Worms, followed by a short can of Pringles.

 

Conan

The president of the Philippines claims that he cured himself of being gay. Seems unlikely, but it was later confirmed by his wife, Steve.

 

Yesterday, CNN hosted town halls with Democratic presidential candidates Eric Swalwell, Tim Ryan and Seth Moulton. All three candidates were asked the same question: "Who the hell are you?"

 

Today, the prime minister of Ireland met President Trump at an airport lounge. Only in Ireland would the prime minister be hanging out at the airport lounge.

 

President Trump visited England and he met with Queen Elizabeth. Unlike President Obama, President Trump was not invited to stay at Buckingham Palace. Yeah! When asked why, the Queen said, "We're worried about our property value."

 

Reporters are pointing out that President Trump made a faux pas by touching the Queen's back. You're not supposed to do that. After being touched by Trump, the Queen immediately summoned the Duke of Purell.

 

Prince Harry's wife, Meghan Markle, was able to avoid meeting President Trump because she's on maternity leave. So today when Trump said he'd like to come back, Queen Elizabeth announced she's pregnant.

 

President Trump had his trip to Britain, then he spent the night in Ireland. President Trump said he was excited to sample some traditional Irish cuisine. Then he ordered a Shamrock Shake.

 

President Trump's golf course in Ireland cost him $41 million and has never turned a profit. In other words, it's his most successful property.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during Alcohol Awareness Week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol.

 

I heard about a new study that found not working out is even worse for your health than smoking. When they heard, Americans were like, "Great! Smoking it is."

 

I heard that IHOP is now making their own beer. It's perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.

 

I saw that Starbucks is going to start blocking adult websites from their Wi-Fi networks. They said there's a time and a place for that type of behavior, and it's all day at Dunkin' Donuts.

 

A new study found that it takes about 1.7 days for a Lego to pass through the human body. The guy who ate it said it was painful, while Lego Batman said, "Hey, it's no picnic for me either, buddy."

 

I heard about an Ikea in Italy that lets stray dogs come in during the winter. Which explains why their meatballs taste WAY different than every other Ikea.

 

A scientist at a remote lab in Antarctica was arrested for stabbing his co-worker because he kept spoiling the endings of books for him. When it happened, all their other co-workers were like, "Wow, we didn't see THAT ending coming."

 

Last week, a couple visited Disney World in Orlando, and Disneyland in California, all in the same day. People said, "Sounds like a fun time," while the couple said, "We're looking for our son!"

 

I heard about a man who was caught tasting soup at a buffet directly from the ladle, then putting the ladle back into the soup. But eventually, a manager came over and escorted Bernie Sanders back to his campaign bus.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

A man in Detroit recently attempted to kill a cockroach in his apartment and it didn't go so well. He tried to throw a shoe at the cockroach, but apparently the man kept a loaded gun in that shoe, so once it hit the floor, the gun went off and shot him in the foot. The man was taken to the hospital and will be released in a few days, or as soon as the doctors stop laughing, whichever comes first.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The reason [President Trump] went to London -- it's interesting -- he heard they have a "tea time" every day. And he found out that didn't mean golf, he was very upset.

 

I want to say congratulations and condolences to James Holzhauer … he's the guy from "Jeopardy," he had an incredible run. He won 32 times. He raked in more than $2.4 million -- second most prize money ever. This guy was on "Jeopardy" so long it's going to take him a year to stop answering things in the form of a question.

 

The president said Prince Charles is "really into" climate change. As if they were talking about a band at Coachella or something.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Arizona's state legislature has passed a bill to make lemonade the official state drink. While Massachusetts' is still "vodka in a Poland Spring bottle."

 

Amazon has announced a software update that will allow its virtual assistant Alexa to listen for breaking glass when users leave their house. Now you'll know if someone breaks into your house to hold a Jewish wedding.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to the school. Teachers became suspicious when at recess the kids tried to sync up "Dark Side of the Moon" with "Paw Patrol."

 

The CDC is warning people to not eat raw cookie dough because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without ever gaining weight.