Late Laughs for the week of June 28 - July 4, 2020

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

[Donald Trump] was whisked into a panic bunker on Friday as the crowds assembled outside the White House. It took three and a half years, but he finally got that massive crowd to show up for him in D.C.


There have been protests now in all 50 states. And that is a big deal. We can't even get all 50 states onboard for daylight saving time.


You know you have a problem when even the 600-year-old host of "The 700 Club" is not impressed. And he knows cool -- he's one of the original Muppets.


You know, you don't have to listen to all your kids' suggestions. If we did that at my house, the bathtub would be filled with Skittles right now.


In Lincoln, Nebraska, police and protesters even had an impromptu dance party. Was that a protest or Tom Selleck's wedding reception? Are we sure those were real cops and not strippers? I've been fooled before.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I never imagined that after 10 days, a global pandemic would not be the lead story. Remember when we were scared of our groceries? I miss those days.


So April was global pandemic, May is massive nationwide protests over systemic racism, I assume June is a plague of locusts, and then in July, pleated pants are coming back.


You know it's bad when Germany thinks your country is racist. That's like Jamaica telling you to put down the bong.


[Derek Chauvin] was charged with third-degree murder. That's a pretty light charge. That's like persecuting Jeffrey Dahmer for a case of the munchies! "We find the defendant … hangry."


That is the worst review of a religious event since my middle school's production of "Godspell." I forgot my lines and improvised. That night, Jesus knew kung fu.


The only thing Americans agree on this much is pumpable cheese, which is only slightly less toxic than systemic racism.


To provide live video of protests in Minneapolis, CBP flew a Predator drone. Nothing says "free speech" like Predator. I can't wait for them to roll out their line of Xenomorph info booths and Thanos brand medical tents: "Getting rid of protesters is a snap!"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

At this point, Trump should just go for 100% disapproval and then take credit for uniting the country.


You know we live in crazy times when we're all agreeing with the guy who once said that gay people cause hurricanes.


[General Mattis] looks like every Scooby-Doo villain who just had his mask yanked off.


Hackers have stolen thousands of Disney customers' information. I don't know what's worse: that hackers have my account info or that they know I watched "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" three times on Monday.


In China, you may soon be able to pay for items by just having your face scanned. Though it's gonna be a bummer when people hear, "Sorry, but your face has been declined."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 79% of Americans don't feel safe traveling by subway amid the coronavirus pandemic. Whereas, under normal circumstances, that number is more like 79%.


New York's Metropolitan Opera announced yesterday that it had canceled its fall season due to the coronavirus pandemic but remains hopeful it will be able to hold a New Year's Eve performance. Officials say they want to end the year on a high note, followed by a low note, followed by a really high note and then a low one again.


President Trump claimed on Twitter yesterday that his administration had "done more for the Black community than any president since Abraham Lincoln." Are you serious? That's like Godzilla saying he's done a lot for the Japanese community.


President Trump is reportedly planning to visit Mount Rushmore next month. And, this is concerning, he's bringing blueprints and a jackhammer.


Fox News host Sean Hannity and his wife have reportedly divorced after more than 20 years of marriage. Or as he reported it, "Obama ruined my marriage."