The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno is here tonight! We love Jay. He's the only guy at Universal who gets excited when the Transformers turn back into cars.

 

The director of "Jurassic World 2" says the film will feature the T-Rex from the original movie. The T-Rex was like: "Hey, after three divorces, I need something to pay the bills."

 

"Wheel of Fortune's" Vanna White gave an interview recently where she said she doesn't want to retire. Mainly cuz all you do when you're retired is watch "Wheel of Fortune."

 

Willie Nelson announced he's writing his memoirs, and says he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here's how it affected his life: he started writing his memoir in 1946.

 

According to the National Inquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. See, I don't believe it; I don't think he would ever leave her behind.

 

Sears announced they are closing 42 stores. You know what that means? Lost jobs for 42 sales clerks.

 

The economy is so bad, the only people jumping the White House fence are contractors trying to get Trump to pay his bills.

 

The economy is so bad, Kellogg had to sell Tony the tiger to a Chinese zoo.

 

The economy is so bad, at Mattel, Barbie is now living in her dream car.

 

The economy is so bad, a family in Africa has adopted Madonna.

 

The economy is so bad, I saw Matthew McConaughey talking to himself in a Kia.

 

The economy is so bad, Kendall Jenner just did a commercial for RC Cola.

 

Conan

A company has come out with a robot that makes salad. So, finally, a robot that's not going to take away any American jobs!

 

In New York, a cocaine-trafficking ring was busted after they were caught pretending to be Uber drivers. Police called Uber the perfect cover for cokeheads, because most Uber drivers also never stop talking.

 

Yesterday in Florida, a drunk and naked man wielding a machete went on a rampage attacking mailboxes. Local police put out an APB for "literally any guy in Florida."

 

It has been announced that 95-year-old Prince Philip, the husband of Queen Elizabeth, is going to retire from his royal duties this fall. Then the Queen said: "Well, not all his royal duties, if you know what I mean ... "

 

Facebook is hiring 3,000 new people to scan its website all day, looking for offensive or obscene content. Mark Zuckerberg, if you're watching, Andy has been training for this job his entire life.

 

In New Mexico, a high school science teacher was arrested for making meth. He faces 25 years in prison and up to 12 Emmy awards.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes.

 

Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered.

 

The shoe store Payless is filing for bankruptcy and closing nearly 400 stores in the United States. Yes, 400 shoe stores closed, and thousands of "soles" were lost. The problem was their work ethic. Most of Payless was just a bunch of "loafers."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hope you had a fine Memorial Day. I hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube.

 

Memorial Day's become the unofficial start to summer. Summer doesn't technically start until next month, but that didn't stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend.

 

There's a new report that says more than half of American workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn't take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family.

 

A Memorial Day video made its rounds wherein you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on the second floor window at the White House, and press secretary Sean Spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. So the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. Maybe it was the alarm that goes off when President Trump tries to get into Melania's bedroom.

 

On Twitter last night, [Trump] wrote: "I will be announcing my decision on the Paris accord, Thursday at 3:00 p.m., The White House Rose Garden. Make America Great Again!" The message was one of hope, as in: "I hope this terrible prank America decided to play on itself is over soon."

 

By the way, it isn't just environmentalists who want us to remain a part of the Paris accord. Exxon Mobil lobbied for us to stay in it. Shell wanted us in. Walmart supported it! Because apparently, these big companies ran the numbers and, it turns out, if climate change destroys human life on Earth, it could be bad for business.

 

I really hope that when the ice caps melt, it ruins every rug at Mar A Lago.