The Late Late Show With James Corden

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin, only to find out later that it's a 1,500-year-old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable -- to get that close to finding chocolate only to be disappointed.

 

The drug store CVS has announced it will change the music it plays while you're on hold, which is big news, because they haven't changed the music in 20 years. In their defense, "Genie in a Bottle" is still a really good song.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The Department of Agriculture just recalled over 60,000 pounds of raw beef due to concerns about E. coli. Anyway, enjoy those Memorial Day barbecues, everybody!

 

It is Fleet Week here! Almost 3,000 members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard are here in New York -- and almost three of them will remember it.

 

There are a lot of ships docked in the city right now, including the USS New York. You can tell which ship's the USS New York 'cause it's the one pointing and laughing at the USS New Jersey.

 

This Sunday is the Indianapolis 500! So between Memorial Day travel and the Indy 500, it's a great time for people who love being stuck in a car.

 

Tonight, our entire audience is filled with servicemen and women. So everyone have fun, but go easy, because when you're hung over, the last place you wanna be is on a boat.

 

We've got members of the Navy! Marines! Army! Air Force! And Coast Guard! And right now, everyone from the Coast Guard's thinking, "You just had to say us last, didn't you?"

 

Tomorrow, President Trump is flying to Japan for a four-day trip. That's right, Japan. It's all part of his plan to get as far away as possible from Nancy Pelosi.

 

I heard that while he's in Japan, Trump is going to a sumo wrestling tournament, and after that, if he wants to see two men fighting in diapers, he'll just watch Bernie Sanders debate Joe Biden.

 

Today, the first trailer came out for the new "Terminator" movie. People are excited -- in this one, the Terminator goes back in time to stop the "Game of Thrones" finale from ever happening.

 

The new "Aladdin" film is expected to make at least $80 million this weekend. When Aladdin heard, he was like, "Damn, I should've wished for Jasmine to sign a prenup."

 

This week in Florida, a weed dispensary opened up inside a former Taco Bell, and to make sure they get a lot of customers, they didn't change a single thing.

 

It's Memorial Day weekend, and I read that veterans and service members can get discounts at Outback Steakhouse. 'Cause nothing says, "Thanks for putting your life on the line" like 10 percent off a Bloomin' Onion.

 

Today, President Trump left for a state visit to Japan, and then next week, he's also traveling to the U.K. Trump's nervous -- he was like, "First I have to learn Japanese, now I have to learn English?!"

 

The race for 2020 is underway, and I saw that Walmart invited Bernie Sanders to its annual shareholders meeting. Walmart told Bernie if doesn't win, they'll hire him as a greeter.

 

I heard that the NFL might start allowing players to smoke marijuana. In response, NFL players were like, "Cool, we can't wait to try weed for the very first time!"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump was in Japan for the holiday weekend. The trip was a success in that we are now not currently at war with Japan as a result of it.

 

The NBA Finals are underway. The Golden State Warriors are in it again, taking on the Toronto Raptors. This is big for the players on both of these teams. You know, if they don't do well on their NBA Finals they won't be able to get into a good college.

 

At this point, the Warriors are like the Avengers. We all know they're going to win, we just have to spend three hours to find out how.

 

Did you know that basketball was invented by a Canadian? That is right. A Canadian-born doctor and physical educator named James Naismith invented the sport in 1891 at the YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts, where he coached a young player named LaBernie Sanders, who went on to become the Senator from Vermont. It's a true story.

 

In a way, Canada gave us basketball. Of course, they also gave us Ted Cruz and Justin Bieber … but they gave us basketball and for that we say thank you, Canadians.

 

As per tradition, the mayors of the cities of Oakland and Toronto made a bet on the series. Here's how it will go: if the Warriors lose, the mayor of Oakland sends over a gross of Rice-A-Roni. If Toronto loses, they're sending a case of off-brand thyroid medicine. So everybody wins in a way.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

England announced yesterday it will ban plastic-based Q-Tips. Said Prince Charles, "It's fine, I use a shovel."

 

After several public fights with President Trump yesterday, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer said in an interview today, quote, "The presidency is not just a reality show." Said Trump, "You're lucky you have immunity this week."

 

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today called President Trump's behavior "villainous" and said that he is, quote, "crying out for impeachment." And then she said that Democrats are not on the road to impeachment. Then she said the president's family should hold an intervention for him. Well, which is it, Nancy? This is usually the part where the waiter says, "Do you need a few more minutes?"

 

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall has been built. Even worse, that's vertically.