Conan

After Air Force One landed in Israel, Donald Trump reached for Melania's hand, and she slapped it away. So we've been wrong all this time -- they apparently do have a normal marriage!

 

In both Israel and Saudi Arabia, many U.S. journalists are being barred from Trump press events because they're women. As opposed to here in the U.S., where they're barred from Trump press events because they're journalists.

 

A company has released a GPS with President Trump's voice as a navigator. It doesn't guide you anywhere, it just keeps reminding you that it won the electoral college.

 

Hillary Clinton adviser Huma Abedin is divorcing her husband, disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. That's right ladies, he's single.

 

Last night, the Ringling Bros. Circus gave its final performance. Children everywhere were stunned and said, "What's a circus?"

 

This week, a man wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat caused a disruption and was removed from an International Flight. It's the first time a sitting president has been kicked off Air Force One.

 

President Trump may be abroad, but his ties with Russia are still being investigated. It's come out that President Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to push back against the Russia probe. Trump also asked them to make Melania hold his freakin' hand.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is still on his big overseas trip. Today, he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. Then when they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said: "Who's Aviv, and what am I supposed to tell him?"

 

I saw that today, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave Trump a 150-year-old Bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him.

 

Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Western Wall in Jerusalem. His staff said he was praying, but people nearby heard him counting Mississippi.

 

I saw that the president of Egypt told Trump he has a unique personality. And Trump told him that he had nice shoes. Sounds less like two world leaders, more like a bad Tinder date.

 

President Trump is still on his big trip overseas.  I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like: "Seriously? You make room for THAT guy?"

 

Tomorrow, Trump will visit with the Pope. Trump said he's really excited because he's always wanted to meet Jude Law.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Donald Trump was away from the White House this weekend, so it was pretty much like every other weekend since he became the president.

 

[Trump is] on his first international trip visiting several countries in the Middle East. His first stop was Saudi Arabia. Trump is visiting the Muslim nations as part of his "don't come to us, we'll come to you" tour.

 

Donald Trump is out of the country, but his scandals aren't. On Monday, it was revealed that Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to deny that his campaign had any ties to Russia. This is shocking. I'm not saying Trump is participating in a cover-up, but I'd say he is participating in some kind of weird comb-over.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

White House press office put out this press release today. It says the president is overseas to "promote the possibility of lasting peach." I guess that was supposed to be "peace," but who knows? I mean, the president's got a lot of fruit on his plate: He's trying to make peach in the Middle East, he's still got sour grapes about the election, and every morning he goes bananas on Twitter. … Or maybe they've heard the word "impeach" so much, it just slipped into the press release.

 

The president today released his budget for the upcoming year, and it's exactly what you might guess it would be. It shamelessly cuts programs for the poor and elderly to give tax breaks to the rich. It's like "Robin Hood," if Prince John was the good guy.

 

The budget makes huge promises it can't possibly deliver, and could leave millions of Americans without necessary services like health care or even food. It's basically the Fyre Festival of budgets.

 

The Pope made it clear that he would like our president to join him in promoting peace, giving aid to the poor and protecting our environment. ... Unfortunately, Trump is only in year 70 of his 100-year deal with devil, and he has a no-trade clause. So it's very unlikely he'd switch teams.

 

Forty years ago today, the greatest, most exciting merchandising opportunity of all time was born. "Star Wars," as you know, is a tale of a bunch of plucky terrorists banding together to blow up a government building. Although there's probably a better way to phrase that.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump visited the Jewish holy site the Western Wall in East Jerusalem today. He also said the wall was the reason Israel doesn't have any Mexicans.

 

President Trump said today he never mentioned the word "Israel" as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That's like if your wife said, "Are you having an affair?" and you said, "I am not sleeping with Jenna!"

 

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump's 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia this weekend. Which makes him the only person who's been able to sleep since Trump took office.

 

According to Politico, first lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories that she thinks make him look bad. She's currently up to Jan. 23.

 

A Florida woman yesterday called 911 after getting trapped in a CVS after it closed. Said the woman: "Help! I'm trapped with all the basic necessities for life!"

 

President Trump released a 2018 budget plan today titled, "A New Foundation for American Greatness." Boy, you can tell from that name that Trump loves this budget. When he doesn't love something, he'll give it a boring name like Eric.

 

President Trump will meet with Pope Francis tomorrow at the Vatican. "I can't wait to ask him why he wears that ridiculous thing on his head," said the Pope.

 

A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding a ring inside his stomach wound and asking her to change the dressing. And this is exciting: She said "Gross!"

 

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute-long meeting in the Pope's private study. We don't know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn't confession.

 

Pope Francis met with President Trump today at the Vatican. "Bless you, my child," said the Pope to the driver that took Trump away.

 

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, "Will you carry me?"

Experts are warning that drinking "detox teas," like those endorsed by celebrities, could reduce the effectiveness of birth control. But remember, the only truly effective form of birth control is telling everyone you're drinking "detox teas."