Conan

The U.S. postal service announced that they will release their first "scratch and sniff" stamps. That explains why they've canceled their "Salute to Kid Rock."

 

Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like "wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries."

 

Chili's has unveiled a sandwich called the "Boss Burger" that contains five kinds of meat. Not to be outdone, Arby's released a sandwich that contains some kind of meat.

 

A New York judge has ruled that a 30-year-old man must move out of his parents' house. It was the landmark case of "New York vs. the Art History Major."

 

In California, a 102-year-old man has set a world record by being the oldest person to publish a memoir. When asked what inspired the book, the man said, "What book?"

 

Celebrities, of course, are going after President Trump. Robert De Niro just announced that he will ban President Trump from every one of his restaurants. Now folks, this is worse than it sounds for Trump, because De Niro owns over 100 McDonald's in the tri-state area.

 

A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. Can you believe that? It's bad. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of "The Emoji Movie."

 

President Trump has demanded that Congress investigate the special prosecutor who is investigating him. Trump's remarks were published in this morning's issue of "Things Innocent People Say."

 

A sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. True story! So apparently, another one of Melania's tunnels collapsed.

 

Today, President Trump met with the president of South Korea to discuss North Korea. The meeting consisted of five minutes about nuclear weapons, and 90 minutes of Trump saying, "So wait -- which Korea are you again?"

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Saturday was Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding. Millions of Americans woke up at 4 a.m., turned on the royal wedding and thought, "Wait, what am I doing with my life?"

 

Oprah was at the royal wedding, and the day before, she changed her dress when she realized it was too close to white. Because it's rude to upstage the bride by wearing white when you're already upstaging the bride by being Oprah.

 

Everyone is excited about Fleet Week. All of New York will be applauding people in uniform, or as that's also known, the opposite of a Knicks game.

 

We have Guy Fieri on the show tonight. Backstage we had an entire conversation before I realized I was just talking to the sunglasses on the back of his head.

 

The Trump administration is trying to stop leaks by allowing fewer people into White House meetings. The president loved the idea until he found out that he's one of the people no longer allowed in the meetings.

 

I heard the royal wedding reception was a lot of fun. Apparently, Elton John performed "Circle of Life" from "The Lion King." Then Prince Charles did a very drunken performance of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King."

 

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet."

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is obsessed with his staff leaking information. You know how I know that? His staff leaked that information to the New York Times.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

There was some breaking news today from the nation's capital. Apparently, a sinkhole has just appeared on the North Lawn of the White House. Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying.

 

The U.S. Postal Service announced on Monday that it will soon issue its first scratch-and-sniff stamps. Finally, a stamp that smells like a real bald eagle.

 

Trump canceled the meeting with North Korea over their "tremendous anger and open hostility," which is ironic considering "tremendous anger and open hostility" is Trump's 2020 campaign slogan.

 

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me, or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities?

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump was so out of control with the tweets this weekend, Michael Cohen had to pay him $130,000 to stop.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In an interview on Fox and Friends, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem "shouldn't be playing." "Um, actually no one should be …," said doctors.

 

The Human Rights Campaign this weekend projected messages on the Department of Education headquarters asking Secretary Betsy DeVos how she sleeps at night. Said DeVos: "Same as everyone! Hold my breath till I pass out!"

 

In a new interview, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that it bothers her when people think she's a liar. Yeah, she even said that during some of her darkest hours, she's contemplated stopping.

 

President Trump said today that he thinks former FBI director James Comey "has a lot of problems." Added Trump: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pay off a porn star before I'm convicted of treason."

 

The mayor of West Hollywood today awarded adult film star Stormy Daniels with the Key to the City. Daniels said it was even better than when the president gave her the key to room 417.

 

President Trump today sent a letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, canceling their upcoming meeting. So let me just get this straight: you sent a dictator a letter, but used Twitter to fire most of your staff? How did you break up with your wives -- billboards?

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A California man was arrested after being accused of waterboarding his wife. Still no word on where the remote control is.

 

A new report shows that 86 per cent of the people arrested in New York City for marijuana possession are black or Latino. While the rest are black and Latino.

 

At this point, the White House is like that dead mall in your hometown. It's just a sunglasses kiosk and a couple of raccoons fighting in a JCPenny.