Late Laughs for the week of June 11 - 17, 2017

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

Over the weekend, the world's biggest-ever cyberattack spread around the globe, infecting 150 countries. It's pretty horrifying. Computers have been totally destroyed. In some cases, in extreme cases, people were forced to have actual face-to-face conversations. It was a nightmare.


The virus was stopped by a computer security expert who is only 22 years old. It is incredible. It's the first time a 22-year-old guy has stopped a virus without putting ointment on it.


It's prom season right now, and at a prom in Memphis, Tennessee, the rapper Drake made an appearance, attending the event with his cousin and her date. Kind of a mixed bag, though, because on one hand, you came to the prom with Drake. On the other hand, you came to the prom with your cousin.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday, and he said: "Always have the courage to be yourself" and "chase your dreams." Then he stopped talking because he ran out of fortune cookies.


I read somewhere that attendance at the ceremony was mandatory, and booing wasn't allowed. Which, incidentally, are also the rules when you have dinner with Trump.


I guess there was one awkward moment during the speech when Trump said there are more job openings than ever, and the students said, "Yeah, because you keep firing everyone!"


Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You could tell he's young because after they swore him in, the first words in his speech were, "Soooooo, THAT just happened!"


American Airlines says it's getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United's doing the same thing on THEIR flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment.


It just came out that "Bachelor" couple Ben and Lauren have broken up. Lauren said, "I'm ready to spend some time alone again," while Ben said, "I'm ready to date 25 women at once again."


A new study finds that drinking tequila may actually be good for bone health. Until you try to walk around after drinking tequila.


I saw that two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft, and, I assume, possession of weed.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news: The Washington Post reports that Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Good news: Trump found the leaker!


When Kislyak and Lavrov were in the Oval Office last week, Trump apparently went off script and began describing details about an Islamic state terrorist threat. That is unbelievable -- Trump has a script? I don't believe that for a minute.



Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a detailed report in the Washington Post, Trump shared highly classified information with Russia last week. Imagine that the United States is Tupac, and Israel is Suge Knight: close friends! On the other side, Russia is Biggie Smalls, and Iran is his friend, Puff Daddy. If Suge Knight tells Tupac a secret, and then Tupac turns around and blabs it to Biggie, Tupac and Biggie both wind up dead.


If Donald Trump was Colonel Sanders, we'd all have the secret recipe. We'd be up to our ears in chicken.


Sen. John McCain last night said the scandal involving former FBI director James Comey is reaching "Watergate size and scale." And he's a Republican! At this point, I have to say, Melania is looking pretty smart for not moving out of New York: "I'll just vait here ... "


Yesterday, the Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate ties between [Trump's] campaign and Russia, which he did not like. But sources inside the White House say when he found out about it, he didn't yell or scream, he was calm. But then, this morning, he got on Twitter at 7:52 a.m. and wrote: "This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!" Even his witch hunts are the greatest!


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Washington Post this evening reported that President Trump revealed "highly classified information" to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador during their closed-door meeting last week. You have to be kidding me. How can you let highly classified information fall into the hands of Donald Trump!?


President Trump this weekend gave the commencement speech at Liberty University. While, yet again, the commencement speech at Trump University was given by a raccoon that wandered onstage.


Parents at a Florida school are reportedly outraged after a video surfaced of students in a classroom "twerking" and giving lap dances. Or, as it's called in Florida, "career day."


A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that's the explanation coming from United Airlines.


A new Gallup poll finds that President Trump's approval rating has dropped to 38 percent. Thirty-eight percent. You know it's bad when your approval ratings reach the same numbers as when you get concerned your phone is going to die.


Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle said yesterday that she is in talks with President Trump's administration about replacing Sean Spicer as White House press secretary. I don't know if that'll solve their PR problems, but it might finally get Melania to move in.


Florida police say a man attempted to bribe an officer with Taco Bell after he was caught with cocaine. So now he's also being charged with attempted murder.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

I know I said this last week, but this week was crazy. Obviously Trump's not done yet, but let's just say Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bullpen.


With the White House reeling from allegations of obstructing justice, President-For-Now Trump said point blank that he never told FBI director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up a real dilemma: Who are you going to believe, the head of the FBI, or the guy who's definitely lying?


It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he would publicly announce that Trump was not under investigation. Which sounds pretty suspicious. If you're watching an episode of "Law and Order" and the husband asks the detectives, "So, when are you going to announce I'm not a suspect in my wife's disappearance?" -- that guy definitely buried a lady in the woods.


A friend of Comey's also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn't see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.