Jimmy Kimmel Live

New York Sen. Chuck Schumer said “the internet should be kept free and open like our highways.” Which, he obviously doesn’t live in Southern California.

 

You think we’re mad about health care and climate change? Wait until you slow our Wi-Fi down. We’ll burn this country to the ground.

 

Conan 

An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe page so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. So far, most of his donations have been provided by the Make a Sad Wish Foundation.

 

A motorcycle gang in Canada -- yes, they have them -- is attacking businesses they don’t like by giving them mass one-star reviews online. They’re the fearsome badass biker gang known as “Yelp’s Angels.”

 

The world’s oldest message in a bottle was found off the coast of Australia. It’s 131 years old. Isn’t that cool? All the 131-year-old message said was “U up?” Signed, Larry King.

 

A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub’s defense, the horse’s ID looked real.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Guys, the royal wedding is tomorrow! That's right, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be tying the knot at Windsor Castle in Great Britain. Yeah, the Dean of Windsor will perform the service, the Archbishop of Canterbury will do the vows, and the Queen will DJ the after-party.

 

I read that Harry and Meghan met on a blind date. Here's how they planned it -- Meghan was like, "I'll be wearing a blue shirt," and Harry was like, "I'll be Prince Harry."

 

I heard that Cardi B said she's a fan of the Royals, and wanted to perform at the wedding. It'd be worth it just to hear her greet the Queen with, "Hello, Your Majesturrrrr!"

 

In an interview this week, Gayle King revealed that Oprah has smoked weed before but doesn't do it regularly. The last time Oprah smoked, she woke up the next day and said, "Wait -- I gave away HOW MANY cars?"

 

Today is National Visit Your Relatives Day. Which means tomorrow is National Remember Why We Don't Visit Our Relatives Day.

 

Starbucks just announced that now anyone can use its restrooms, even if they haven't bought anything. Then everyone was like, "Cool -- so we'll just continue doing what we're doing."

 

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that Kim Jong Un watches American TV and probably watches Fox News. Then Kim was like, "Sorry, but I only watch 'Riverdale.'"

 

Khloe Kardashian posted that the first thing she ate after giving birth was McDonald's hash browns. When asked when she started craving McDonald's, she was like, "Right after they offered me $2 million to mention the hash browns."

 

Trump released a video message for Mother's Day where he called his mom "warm" but also "tough." Then he released another video where he said the same thing about a thin crust pizza.

 

After several White House leaks in the past few weeks, President Trump says he's going to find out who the leakers are. He says he's got a plan: he's going to wait for someone to leak who the leakers are.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Today marks the one-year anniversary of special counsel Robert Mueller's Russia investigation. This morning, Donald Trump marked the occasion by tweeting “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History ... and there is still No Collusion and No Obstruction.” When Melania saw the tweet, she was like, 'Oh, so you ARE capable of remembering anniversaries?'"

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. I don’t really care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information.

 

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy house. EVER.”

 

American Airlines has announced that beginning this July, passengers will not be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats or spiders on flights. Or as Southwest calls them, “Group 2.”

 

According to the New York Times, a TV show featuring Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti and former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci was recently pitched to two cable networks. The show is called, “The Very Good Lawyer and Anthony Scaramucci.”

 

Police in Germany recently spent nine hours using a crane to lift an escaped water buffalo from a highway. Said the water buffalo, “I get it, I’m fat.”

 

Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another. Or, more likely, snails live pretty similar lives.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Personally, I don't like when Trump is this quiet. It's like when I'm babysitting my nephew and he's quiet for too long, and I'm like, “Oh no, he's eating out of that litter box again.”

 

Police arrested a legless woman in Florida who was wanted for skipping a court date. It's a rare case of a legless person skipping.

 

Earlier today, "Suits" actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.

 

Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. Diesel says he can't wait to find out whether the degree is in Fahrenheit or Celsius.

 

According to a report, Michael Cohen was paid $600,000 by AT&T to advise them on their $85-billion merger. AT&T could not be reached for comment because they use AT&T.

 

Trump is undoing so much of Obama's work that Obama is gonna start fading away in pictures, like “Back to the Future.”

 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that undocumented parents entering the U.S. would be separated from their children. Unless they can guess that his real name is Rumpelstiltskin.

 

Trump promised protections for Kim Jong Un if he makes a deal during their meeting, but warned that if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Nobel Peace Prize stuff -- reminds me of Martin Luther King's famous speech, “Dream or Nightmare.”

 

A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia, while the least fit city in the country was once again Man Boobs, Louisiana.

 

American Airlines has revised its guidelines to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs onboard as emotional support animals. Meanwhile over at Spirit Airlines, it's still a full-on Noah's Ark!