Late Night With Seth Meyers

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he'll be back in three minutes -- no, wait, now it says five …

 

First lady Melania Trump and son Barron officially moved into the White House yesterday. Unfortunately, during the move, someone left the gate open and Sean Spicer ran away.

 

According to a new poll, Americans find former FBI director James Comey to be more trustworthy than President Trump. Also, more Americans prefer Pepsi to the bottle marked "Rat Poison."

 

Happy birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the '50s and a wife in her 20s.

 

According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to "secretive buyers" who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I'm pretty sure we all know who's behind Plad Vutin LLC.

 

Following Monday's first official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not "script" the cabinet members, adding: "We're given the ability to say what's on our mind." Which explains why Ben Carson said, "cucumber luggage hula hoop."

 

In honor of LGBT Pride month, Skittles has announced an all-white edition of its candy. Coincidentally, "White Skittles" was my nickname on the high school basketball team.

 

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection. Because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame?

 

Conan

Over the weekend in New Jersey, President Trump crashed a wedding. Apparently, the bride said she wanted something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that will probably be out of office by August.

 

First lady Melania Trump has officially, as of today, moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch.

 

A new study reveals more than two billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.

 

A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn't change places with Sean Spicer. 

 

Someone invented a pair of yoga pants that vibrate when your yoga pose is incorrect. Which explains the new trend: "incorrect yoga poses."

 

It's being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova.

 

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said: "That's great, they can take our place."

 

Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They're also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES.

 

There's a new version of the Bible that has updated language that's coming out. For example, it refers to Jesus's disciples as "wingmen."

 

An 18-year-old field goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire -- all she needs now is the criminal record.

 

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, "We're back, baby!"

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Melania Trump finally moved into the White House. But this is a bad sign -- she only brought a week's worth of clothes.

 

Yesterday, Rafael Nadal won the French Open and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said: "Not having to play Serena Williams."

 

Last night was the Tonys, you guys -- but the new musical "Groundhog Day" went home empty-handed. The producers say they're disappointed, but will try again yesterday.

 

I read about a couple in Vermont that is selling their house, and part of it extends over the border into Canada. It's really cool -- it has three bedrooms, two baths and free health care.

 

Today, author Stephen King revealed that Trump has blocked him on Twitter. That's right, the world's scariest writer blocked Stephen King.

 

Police are looking for a man known as the "Dollar Tree bandit," after he robbed a bunch of dollar stores across the country. And if captured, his bail will be set at a whopping two dollars.

 

During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he hasn't been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, "And frankly, I'm starting to feel a little left out."

 

Researchers now believe that Jupiter is the oldest planet in the solar system. They learned that when Jupiter emailed them from an AOL account.

 

I saw that firefighters in Connecticut gave a bride and groom a ride to their wedding reception after their bus's engine caught fire. The groom said he hadn't felt that scared since he had to tell his fiancée they were taking a bus to their wedding.

 

I read that defibrillators might soon be delivered by drones so that you can get help fast if you're having a heart attack. So if you're having chest pains, I'm sure you'll feel way calmer when you see a giant drone diving toward you.

 

The writer of the "Scooby-Doo" movie says the first cut of the film was edgier, and got an R rating. And they would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids at the Motion Picture Association!

 

I heard that the Broadway play "Six Degrees of Separation" is closing this weekend. I didn't see it, but I'm sure I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who did.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Yesterday was moving day at the White House. Almost five months after Donald Trump moved in, Melania and Barron have arrived. Just what the White House needs -- two more terrified white people.

 

The [Golden State] Warriors went 16-1 in the post-season. And it just goes to show you that, if you work hard and believe in yourself, and have every great player other than LeBron James on your team, you can accomplish anything.

 

Donald Jennifer Trump turned 71 today. They had a little party for the president. They played Pin the Blame on the Press Secretary.

 

It's hard to believe that on this date, 71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby with little hands and little feet, going "wah wah wah" all day long. And nothing has changed really, since.