Late Laughs for the week of July 30 - August 5, 2017

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

A top-secret NSA report detailed Russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before? Come on, Guccifer. That's poor planning. You can't leave your hacking to the last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at Walgreens.


After the hackers gained access to the company's accounts, they then sent "an email to trick local U.S. government employees into opening documents that were 'invisibly tainted with potent malware.'" OK, they sent it to the poll workers. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym.


Comey says he spoke with Trump nine times in four months. In contrast, he spoke with President Obama only twice during his entire tenure, "once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues, and a second time, briefly, for him to say good-bye in late 2016." Oh, and a third time a couple weeks ago when he asked if I wanted to just say "screw it" and go hang out with him and Oprah on Richard Branson's yacht.



Fox News is dropping its famous tagline: "Fair and Balanced." Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline: "Paranoia and Ads for Cialis."


Astronomers are now speculating that our sun may have had a long lost twin. So it's official: our entire solar system is a telenovela.


President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today when President Trump said he is not under investigation for obstruction of justice.


Experts say that if President Trump were to fire special prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, "Thursday."


Vladimir Putin has offered asylum to former FBI director James Comey. When she heard, Melania Trump said, "Hey, what about me?"


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Puerto Rico voted to become America's 51st state. That's when you know things can't be good in Puerto Rico -- when they see what's going on here, and they're like, "We're gonna take our chances."


Right now, New York is in the middle of a heat wave. Temperatures are in the mid-90s. You can tell it's hot today because Times Square Elmo passed out BEFORE he could get drunk.


A former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should "stop talking" because he's heading toward a "perjury trap." Trump heard that and was like, "'Perjury Trap,' that's my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!"


I read that Tesla's new Model X car just got the first-ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. On one hand, it's a great accomplishment, on the other ... have no SUVs been safe until now?!


I saw that a principal in Washington, D.C., said that she'll give her students $100 each if they don't use electronics every Tuesday over summer vacation. Kids couldn't believe it -- they were like, "100 bucks, just to tell one lie?? I mean, yeah, sure, let's do it!"


I read that New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they're reintroducing it, they said, "'cause we forgot we did it the first time."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. "I'll tell you exactly what you said."


President Trump accused former FBI director James Comey of lying under oath during his testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee. As opposed to Eric Trump, who only lies under children's beds at night.


A birth control pill has been recalled due to a packaging error that puts placebo pills at the beginning of the pack rather than at the end. Pick up a pack today at Unplanned Parenthood.


Fox News has announced it is dropping its slogan "Fair and balanced." For the same reason United dropped "Fly the friendly skies."


The Senate passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn't trust him. He's like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter. "I'm not gonna burn the house down, Mom!" "This is our third house, Kevin!"


The New York City mayor's office has announced it is launching a new initiative to combat summer heat called "Cool Neighborhoods NYC." Which is better than the original name: "I Hope That's an Air Conditioner That Just Dripped on Me."