Late Laughs for the week of July 28 - August 3, 2019

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

A man in Texas recently hired a snake removal company after seeing a couple of snakes near his home, only to discover that there were 45 rattlesnakes living underneath his house. Forty-five snakes! Usually you only see that in the Tinder profile of a guy with a ponytail and a samurai sword.


In Florida, during a routine traffic stop, a sheriff's deputy asked a woman if she was hiding anything. She then proceeded to pull out a small alligator from inside her yoga pants. How is it possible to fit an alligator into your yoga pants?! I can't fit ME into yoga pants!


During a phone interview with CNBC today, President Trump said that technology companies like Facebook and Google discriminate against him. Now, is this news? Is it news, an old person feeling threatened by technology?


According to new research, extended space travel can actually reactivate the herpes virus, causing an outbreak in astronauts who carry it. I'll be honest, Spring Break on the Space Station sounds pretty wild.



Beto O'Rourke said if we don't deal with climate change, we only have 10 more years on Earth. In response, Bernie Sanders said, "I'd love 10 more years on Earth."


Joe Biden promised that, if elected, he'll cure cancer. Which explains why just this morning President Trump came out in support of cancer.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A man in Japan just spent $18,000 to marry a cartoon hologram. That explains why her side of the aisle didn't have any friends … and why his side didn't either.


KFC gave a family $11,000 for naming their baby girl after Col. Sanders. They said the money will really help the new baby, along with her siblings, Long John Silver and P.F. Chang.


I heard about a 102-year-old woman who just became the oldest person ever to go skydiving. And this was cool, at 102 years old, she was able to use her skin as a parachute.


A man in Florida tried to pay for a hotdog at a gas station using weed. Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows Florida gas stations only accept meth.


Scientists are studying whether a male birth control gel could replace condoms. It works really well, 'cause "birth control gel" sounds so gross, nobody will ever want to sleep with you.


A Delta passenger says his pilot messaged him on a dating app while he was flying the plane. It's pretty crazy -- someone actually got the Wi-Fi to work on a plane.


I read that Toys 'R' Us may be relaunching as a new store called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?"


Now that the 2020 campaign is officially underway, there are already a lot of polls out there measuring what Americans like and dislike about the candidates, their feelings on political issues -- stuff like that. Some of the polls are pretty interesting. First, when asked, "Which Democrat is most likely to get things done in Washington?" 10 percent said "Joe Biden," 10 percent said "Bernie Sanders," and 80 percent said "Jon Stewart."


A lot of people are concerned that Trump just gave Russia a "green light" to interfere in 2020. In response, Putin was like, "Please, like I need his permission."


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump unveiled his new immigration plan, a plan masterminded by real estate son-in-law Jared Kushner. Trump says his plan would focus on "merit-based" immigration. In other words, he would permit highly skilled workers to enter the United States, where they would then be given their choice to caddy at any one of his golf clubs for just under minimum wage.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A cat was returned to its owner in Canada this weekend after it accidentally crawled into a box and was shipped 700 miles away. Said the cat owner: "Yeah … accidentally …"


Police in Scotland have ordered a McDonald's location to stop selling milkshakes, after multiple videos showing people throwing milkshakes at far-right politicians went viral. Said McDonald's customers, "That's insane -- their milkshake machine was actually working?!"


The New York Post published a series of drinking games that viewers could play during the Democratic debate. Like, "Drink every time you see someone who should drop out."


During tonight's debate, each candidate was asked which country they would most want to repair relations with. Kirsten Gillibrand chose Iran, while Marianne Williamson chose Narnia.


The city of Boston has approved a permit for a so-called Straight Pride Parade. Well, technically, it's just a Hollister.


A Texas school district has fired a substitute teacher after she allegedly made pornographic films in classrooms outside of school hours. Said PTA dads, "That's who she is! Oh man, that was bothering me."


According to newly released testimony, former secretary of state Rex Tillerson said that President Trump did not prepare at all for his 2017 meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Or, for that matter, anything in his entire life.


Today was National Handshake Day. Said every candidate when Biden went in for a hug.


President Trump has reached a deal with Mexico to reduce the number of migrants at the southern border. "No more than three," said Trump when asked how many more migrants he plans on marrying.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

An Australian rancher says that a six-foot-tall steer, weighing over one ton, is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. "Yeah, me too," said three cows in a trench coat.


A woman who lost her son's Grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after Grover freed himself from a boulder by cutting off his own arm.


A stripper at a club in Florida was arrested after she got into a fight with another dancer, then ripped an entire electrical meter off the wall. Proving, once again, my old theory: cocaine makes you strong.