Late Laughs for the week of July 26 - August 1

« Back to Talk


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Barcelona's Liceu Grand Theatre held its reopening and, to mark the occasion, a string quartet performed a concert for nearly 2,300 potted plants. It must have been a pretty bad performance since they made the entire audience leaf.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Like you, I'm getting tired of quarantine. We've been home now for nine and a half weeks, and not once has Mickey Rourke blindfolded me and spoon-fed me cherries!


I'm sure he means it to sound comforting, but "transitioning to greatness" really sounds like something a cult leader says right before the end.


The packaging on boxes of Cream of Wheat may soon change. Great! While they're at it, just get rid of the whole product. The only people buying Cream of Wheat are people whose favorite flavor is wet.


This election is not going to be a sprint, it's going to be a marathon in that, before it's over, you're going to be pooping your pants and your nipples are going to be bleeding.


In the midst of a global pandemic and massive civil unrest, reporters are totally burying the story of how many people were watching TV. It reminds me of that headline after Pearl Harbor: "FDR speech gets incredible ratings. Also, war."


Trump talked about "ramp-gate" for a whopping 10 minutes and 23 seconds -- which is almost as long as it took for him to get down that ramp.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A California woman won the world pumpkin pie-eating contest after she ate 50 slices in 10 minutes -- or, as most Americans call that, "Thanksgiving."


In the middle of being investigated for asking foreign countries for election help, Trump publicly asked foreign countries for election help. That's like chugging a beer while taking a breathalyzer test.


American Airlines says that passengers on a recent flight may have been exposed to hepatitis. American Airlines passengers were furious, while Spirit Airlines passengers were like, "That's all? I got polio."


The FDA just announced that over 95% of baby food they tested had traces of metal. On the bright side, your mom wasn't lying when she said, "Here comes the airplane."


Three drug smugglers were using cocaine as floaties. It was crazy, the rescue helicopter didn't drop a rope, they just jumped up to it.


There's a new male birth control about to go on the market, but it involves men getting an injection into their groin. Meanwhile, women are like, "Aww … try childbirth."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Time magazine has announced that teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg is its 2019 Person of the Year. When asked what she thought about Time, Thunberg said, "We probably have about five, six years left."


The New York Times has published a profile on a new concert tour featuring hologram performances by dead musicians like Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison. Unfortunately, they forgot to make holograms of their fans, who are also dead.


Officials in Germany have started using unsold Christmas trees as treats for zoo animals. Said zoo animals, "Or, you could just let us go?"


The makers of DiGiorno frozen pizzas have released a new buffalo chicken flavor that has a crust stuffed with ranch dressing and cheese. It's called "Dad's in Charge!"


A New York woman has admitted that she is responsible for sending her boyfriend to the emergency room 24 times last year by secretly putting pesticides in his food. When he asked the doctor what to take for that, she said, "The hint."


A company in the U.K. has come out with a line of coffins that are covered in glitter. Incidentally, glitter is the only thing more permanent than death.