Late Laughs for the week of July 24 - 30

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It's been a tough couple days for the Giuliani family. First, Rudy Giuliani claimed he was assaulted at a grocery store — but security footage showed it was more a pat on his back — and then, last night, Rudy's son, Andrew Giuliani, lost the Republican primary for New York governor. ... It was a tough night for Andrew; he gave his dad a big hug and then Rudy accused him of assault.


Nissan is recalling more than 300,000 Pathfinders over risk of the hoods flying open while people are driving. Turns out they were using the term "pathfinder" ironically.


NBC is coming out with an eight-part series on dinosaurs called "Surviving Earth." Spoiler alert: they don't.


Air New Zealand has announced that they're adding the world's first lie-flat pods to economy class. Now the guy who hogs the armrest will be spooning you.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

America is changing so fast. Every day seems to bring shocking news that radically unsettles what we believe this country should be, and it's happened again — because Taco Bell's latest tostada features a giant Cheez-It. ... [It's] 16 times larger than a normal Cheez-It, with the same taste and texture ... so you won't lose any of that flavor that can only be described as "It."


[Cassidy] Hutchinson told the [Jan. 6] Committee that, among other things, the former president knew his crowd was armed before unleashing them on the Capitol, attacked a member of [his] security detail in an SUV, and, most disturbingly of all, threw his lunch plate in rage. Well, you know what they say: "You always hurt the bun you love."


Last week they [the Supreme Court] ruled that "Maine cannot exclude religious schools from a public tuition reimbursement program." OK, that's not good. Also, what kind of religious schools do they have in Maine? "Welcome to the Church of Lobster Day Saints. Put a piece of salt water taffy in the passed waffle cone and open your fish fry menus to the Book of Chowder."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

If you don't know, Wimbledon started this week. It's traditionally the two weeks of the year where everyone in Britain pretends to care about tennis.


A corporate team-building exercise in Switzerland didn't go quite as planned. You know those exercises where you think positive thoughts and you walk across hot coals? Well, this time it resulted in 25 injuries and 13 co-workers rushed to the hospital with burns. Now, don't worry, they're fine. They just changed it from a team-building exercise to a company barbecue.


In just a few hours [on June 23], you'll have the rare opportunity to see five aligned planets with the naked eye. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will be aligned and most visible in the pre-dawn hours. Five planets at one time, six if you happen to be standing next to a Planet Hollywood.


Scientists are now working on noise-canceling wallpaper. Testing shows the special wallpaper could absorb up to 87% of all sound waves. ... I imagine [it's] expensive, but worth every penny if it spares just one kid from having to listen to their parents have sex.


Eighty percent of Britain's usual train lines have shut down as a result of the biggest strike by railway workers in 30 years. Luckily, there's a backup: British people can always travel by umbrella.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Chelsea Handler

[Ghislaine Maxwell] was sentenced to 20 years for serving as Epstein's personal groomer and she has apparently found a new calling: she is teaching yoga to all the other inmates. ... According to one inmate, Maxwell introduced herself to the other folks in the jail unit, which took them by surprise – which is weird, because making introductions is kind of her thing.


Today R. Kelly got hit with a 30-year prison term for racketeering and sex trafficking. When he heard he was sentenced to 30 years, R. Kelly asked if the judge would consider a younger sentence.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden signed into law the first major federal gun safety legislation in nearly three decades. Three decades! In the time it took you guys to pass one gun law, there's been six Batmen.


After the Supreme Court overturned Row vs. Wade last week, Dick's Sporting Goods announced that it will provide financial support for employees who need to travel out of state for abortion access. Ahh, Dicks: the problem and the solution.


According to New York's MTA, in the first five months of this year, over 400 incidents were reported of people riding on top of or outside subway trains. In their defense, though, have you seen the inside of those trains?


A Chihuahua mix named Mr. Happy Face was recently crowned the world's ugliest dog. They knew it was a winner when the other dogs started sniffing its face.