The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Trump said that Obama copied him by calling the Republican health-care bill mean. Then Obama said Trump copied him by spending the last six months doing nothing.

 

Obama is taking some heat right now because it came out that two senators tried to warn him that Russia was trying to hack the election, and he ignored them. Trump promises that if he ever gets top secret information about Russia, he'll do the responsible thing and tweet it.

 

Nancy Pelosi was talking about her first meeting with Trump, and she said that he served pigs in a blanket and kosher meatballs. It's good to know that even the president has a bunch of food from Costco that he is trying to get rid of.

 

This weekend, Mike Pence officiated the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. Pence said, "You may now kiss the bride." Then he was like, "Not you, Mr. President."

 

President Trump invited all Republican senators to the White House today for a meeting about health care. I guess he turned to each of them and said, "You have five seconds to explain it to me, GO!"

 

It came out yesterday that, under the Republican health-care plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. Twenty-two million! Or as Trump put it, "Wow -- that's like, half my Inauguration crowd!"

 

Today, a giant cyberattack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a GREAT week at computer camp.

 

I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the "Fake News Network." When asked what it's like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, "Pretty cool!"

 

Some parents are planning to boycott Disney World's Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, "Oh, no. Guess we'll just have to do Splash Mountain again!"

 

Yesterday, Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about health care. You could tell which senators actually read the bill, because they were the ones buckling their seatbelts.

 

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested and handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then, when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, "You won a beauty contest."

 

A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor was like, "Congratulations! It's a man!"

 

Trump accused Mika Brzezinski of getting plastic surgery. Which is odd, because that’s the only thing covered by his health-care plan.

 

Today is the 10th anniversary of the release of the first iPhone. It’s also the 10th anniversary of someone asking their bartender, "Um, can you charge this for me?"

 

Airbnb is planning to launch a luxury service for mansions. They say it’s perfect for people who want to have everything stolen from their mansion.

 

A woman gave birth to a baby on a recent Spirit Airlines flight. When the flight attendant said, "Is there a doctor on board?" the passengers said, "Of course not. This is Spirit Airlines."

 

For the fourth time, a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. People were so excited! At the victory party, they kept chanting, "Twenty-eight more years! Twenty-eight more years!"

 

Conan

Over the weekend in New Jersey, President Trump crashed a wedding. Apparently, the bride said she wanted something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that will probably be out of office by August.

 

A new study reveals more than two billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.

 

Someone invented a pair of yoga pants that vibrate when your yoga pose is incorrect. Which explains the new trend, "incorrect yoga poses."

 

After a three-year feud, Katy Perry has decided to make up with Taylor Swift. Katy said that even though she still believes strongly in a Keynesian paradigm of economic output being influenced by aggregate demand, she finally accepts Taylor’s endorsement of a supply-side macroeconomic model.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. Remember when that seemed weird? Now it’s like, "Yeah of course he is. Nothing makes sense anymore."

 

I have a theory about why the North Koreans love Dennis Rodman so much. Here it is: They are so cut off from everything -- they don’t have the Internet, they only get state television -- maybe they think Dennis Rodman is still playing in the NBA!

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married this weekend for the third time, and the wedding was officiated by Vice-President Mike Pence. Because if there’s one thing Mike Pence stands for, it’s the sanctity of a third marriage.

 

In an interview today, Ivanka Trump graded her father's presidency as an "A." Though, if you want an honest assessment, maybe ask someone who's not in the will. Like Eric!

 

In an interview today, Ivanka Trump said that she tries "to stay out of politics." What are you talking about? You have a job in the White House! That's like me saying, "I don't like to get involved in television."

 

The CEO of Internet-radio site Pandora recently announced that he's stepping down. But he's happy to recommend a bunch of CEO's who are just like him.

 

A three-year-old mastiff has been named the world's ugliest dog. Which is pretty mean cause he was just out for a walk.

 

The White House today formally nominated Christopher Wray to be the next director of the FBI. Aaaand he's been fired.

 

Disney World's Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall. "Bummer!" said literally not one child.

 

In a recent interview, former Georgia Congressional candidate John Ossoff said his near-victory for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and Chief Strategist Steve Bannon "should be sweating in 2018." Um, have you seen those guys lately? They probably sweat getting out of bed.

 

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in an interview yesterday, "I laugh at least once every day. Otherwise I cannot do this job." Once every day? I would have guessed once, period.

 

A couple on Sunday became the first people to be married at a Taco Bell. "She said yes!" said the groom when asked if his bride was drunk.