Conan

In Indiana, police found a man at a White Castle with a container of dangerous chemicals. The man at a White Castle with the dangerous chemicals is known as "The Cook."

 

People who ran the L.A. marathon said it was nice to finally get from downtown Los Angeles to Santa Monica in less than four hours.

 

Vladimir Putin has been re-elected to a fourth term as president of Russia. The final vote tally was: 76% Putin, 24% shot this morning.

 

Language-teaching app Duolingo recently added Klingon to its course selection. By the way, if you have the Duolingo app on your phone and you use it to learn Klingon, you can delete Tinder.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

There's a lot of fighting going on right now in Washington, and one Republican congressman said he thinks the U.S. is heading toward another civil war. At first, President Trump was excited because he thought that meant there'll be another "Avengers" movie.

 

A minor league baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hotdog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help.

 

ESPN’s annual Body Issue comes out this week. While everyone else's body issues will come out after they read it.

 

Today, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he's retiring, which means President Trump will pick his replacement. When asked which judge he'll choose, Trump said either Adam Levine or Blake Shelton.

 

After 30 years on the bench, Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.

 

Oprah made a cameo in this week's episode of "The Handmaid's Tale." And by the end of the show, all the handmaids had new cars.

 

A group of shareholders at Facebook might be plotting to get rid of Mark Zuckerberg. And their plan would be way more likely to work if Mark wasn't spying on them using Facebook.

 

Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months.

 

A golf resort in Oregon is training goats to be caddies. Even weirder, they're hiring local teenagers to eat the grass on the fairway.

 

I read about a woman in Texas who brought home a pair of kittens that turned out to be bobcats. Unfortunately, they were eaten by her eagle she thought was a parakeet.

 

The cast of the new season of "The Bachelor in Paradise" was just announced. When ABC asked if they could take off work for six weeks for filming, they were like, "Oh, we don't have jobs. We'll be there tomorrow."

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The bad news is I lied: there's no good news. But for a minute, you had hope. You're welcome!

 

Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he's retiring from the Supreme Court. I never thought I'd say this, but you're only 81! They say 81 is the new 79. And don't tell me your mind's going, because I read "Bush v. Gore" and "Citizens United" — you never had one.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months.

 

A New Hampshire man who went hiking and was reported missing by his wife now owes the government thousands of dollars for the search effort, because when they found him, he had been staying in a luxury hotel. He has to pay thousands of dollars -- and that’s just for eating the macadamia nuts from the mini-bar.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Congratulations to Trump’s BFF Vladimir Putin, who was elected yesterday for his fourth term as president of Russia. He won in a landslide. His opponents coincidentally died in a landslide. All of them.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Mitt Romney won last night’s Utah Republican senate primary. Romney celebrated by going to a victory party and turning the music down.

 

Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie are rolling out a new payment program which allows online shoppers to pay in installments later rather than in full, called Afterpay. Not to be confused with the program they have at Taco Bell, where you always pay for it later.

 

A company is seeking crowdfunding for an artificially intelligent camera that can tell people if they are using proper posture and weight distribution while working at a standing desk. It also includes a tracker that will make sure you’re mentioning your standing desk to other people at least 10 times a day.

 

Canadian health officials are reportedly working to counteract fears that dispensaries will experience a marijuana shortage when the drug becomes legal in the fall. Said one official, "Why’s everybody so paranoid?"

 

Toymaker Mattel has announced it is partnering with coding organizations to develop a new Robotic Engineer Barbie. But despite her degree, Ken is still gonna try to explain it to her.

 

ABC has announced that a spinoff of the show "Roseanne" without Roseanne Barr will premiere this fall. It’ll just be a whole season of the Conner family going around and apologizing to the neighbors.

 

According to The New York Times, former White House press secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. It’s called "Late Night with Such Liars."

 

President Trump today accused Democrats of wanting quote "unlimited crime." Coincidentally, "unlimited crime" was also the most popular class at Trump University.

 

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he is retiring today. "Do you know what that means?" said Trump, who was really asking.

 

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked to leave a restaurant in Virginia on Friday because she works for the Trump administration. Which is weird, because usually people who work for the Trump administration are asked to leave the Trump administration.

 

President Trump today attacked the restaurant that asked White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to leave over the weekend, and tweeted, quote, "I always had a rule, if a restaurant is dirty on the outside, it is dirty on the inside!" "I have a similar rule," said Robert Mueller.