Late Laughs for the week of July 21 - 27, 2019

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

While we're in the middle of a humanitarian crisis on our border, in these detention facilities, this afternoon, we learned that Customs and Border Protection commissioner John Sanders is expected to step down. You know what they say: when the going gets tough, the tough go, "Good luck with that, sucks to be you."


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that drinking coffee can help burn fat. America was like, "Great! I'll have TWO mocha frappuccinos with whipped cream and sprinkles."


Last night, the brother-sister team the Flying Wallendas walked across a tightrope 25 stories above Times Square. Even more impressive -- they were stuck behind a slow-walking group of tourists.


The very first Democratic debates are this week down in Miami. Most of the candidates are busy with debate prep, while Bernie Sanders spent the day on the beach with a metal detector.


It is summer, and here in New York City, it's actually supposed to be in the high 80s, low 90s and humid all week. For the five-day forecast on the local news, instead of showing the sun they just use five middle-finger emojis.


Tomorrow is the first of two debates, and we get to see 10 candidates. I read that the better you're doing in the polls, the closer to center stage you get to stand. So Elizabeth Warren and Beto O'Rourke will be in the middle, while Bill de Blasio will be watching from home in his living room.


Tomorrow the big names are Elizabeth Warren and Beto O'Rourke. If things go well for Warren, she might catch Biden in the polls, and if things go well for Beto, ABC might make him "The Bachelor."


Today we found out that the replacement for Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be a woman named Stephanie Grisham. There was a lovely ceremony today when Sarah handed Stephanie the keys to the liquor cabinet.


Things are getting ugly between the U.S. and Iran. I guess after Iran insulted him today, Trump tweeted, "Iran's very ignorant and insulting statement, put out today, only shows that they do not understand reality… ." Trump was like, "No one understands reality better than your reality star president."


The debate was right here on NBC, and there was a lot of excitement in the building. It felt just like the Super Bowl. You know, if 20 teams played the game over two nights and the winner wasn't decided for another year.


Trump tweeted and called the debate "boring," but he still watched, even though he called it a, quote, "very unexciting group of people," as opposed to the rock stars he usually hangs with like Mike Pence and Steve Mnuchin.


I think I know why Trump's upset. He's probably jealous of the Democrats, if you think about it. They got to be on TV, they got to talk about themselves, and they got to be in Florida.


We are coming to you live from New York City, and Nicki Minaj is my guest tonight! Nicki's going to be on live, which means right now the NBC censor is breathing into a paper bag.


Tonight was the second Democratic debate -- or as nine candidates called it, "Operation: Destroy Joe Biden."


There was a 40-year age difference between tonight's candidates, ranging from 37 to 77. With Pete Buttigieg next to Biden, it looked like Take Your Kid to Work Day.


Speaking of Buttigieg, he said Democrats need to move the party forward, and claimed his opponents want to "return to the 1990s." Hey Pete -- the top movies right now are "Toy Story," "Men in Black," and "Aladdin" -- we're already back in the '90s.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

In California recently, a woman was arrested for shoplifting at a Target store after she went into one of their dressing rooms and drank an entire six-pack of the store's beer. Without a doubt, this is the most K-Mart thing to happen in a Target.


A man in South Carolina was so dissatisfied with how his Mexican pizza was made at a Taco Bell that he stormed into the kitchen and made his own. He then took off, and is wanted by the police. Yeah, I hate when Taco Bell Mexican pizza doesn't have that authentic Mexican pizza taste.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Legoland amusement park in New York has constructed the World's Smallest Pride Parade, made exclusively out of toy bricks. "Oh, no, ours is smaller," said Alabama.


Boeing is currently in possession of so many malfunctioning 737 Max jets that they have started storing the planes in their employee parking lot. Either that or Jerry in marketing finally got that raise.


Tonight's Democratic debate featured some questions sent in by viewers. Which explains why Rachel Maddow asked Cory Booker, "Why isn't 'Chicago Med' on?"


In a new interview, President Trump said that he is not prepared to lose the 2020 election, saying, quote, "I haven't lost very much in my life." Dude, you lost $1 billion in 10 years. That's like the team that plays the Globetrotters saying they haven't lost very much.


First lady Melania Trump announced today that her director of communications will shift over and become the next White House press secretary. It turns out you don't really need your own communications director when you never actually, you know, communicate.


During tonight's debate, Beto O'Rourke answered a portion of his first question in Spanish. Then, to pay full homage to his heritage, he answered the next question in Irish.


Sen. Elizabeth Warren said tonight that the next president needs to have the "courage to take on the giants." Which was pretty awkward, because Bill de Blasio was right next to her.


Failed Alabama senate candidate Judge Roy Moore has announced he will run again in 2020. He also has to announce if he moves into your neighborhood.