The Late Late Show With James Corden

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of hunting rifles.

 

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to "Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck."

 

Conan

In protest of President Trump abandoning the Paris Climate Accord, the CEO of Disney has resigned from Trump's Business Advisory Council. It's not a good sign when a company led by a giant talking mouse is telling the president to be more realistic.

 

The "Wonder Woman" movie shattered the glass ceiling, breaking $100 million in box office sales. In fact, the only way Wonder Woman could have done better is if she had campaigned in Wisconsin.

 

Not everyone is happy about "Wonder Woman." Several panelists on Fox News accused Wonder Woman of not being American enough because her costume isn't red, white and blue. They're also saying to really be American, it should be a double XL.

 

In Michigan, a Republican congressman said that God would "take care of" climate change. So now, a group of polar bears are on their way to "take care of" a Republican congressman in Michigan.

 

Today, 15 new features were revealed about the upcoming iPhone 8. The biggest new feature is the battery that only lasts until the announcement of the iPhone 9.

 

A new study claims that popular people may live longer than unpopular people. If that's true, Shia LaBeouf died in 1982.

 

A new study just came out and it found that schoolchildren are using Donald Trump's words to bully other children. In fact at my kid's school, I overheard one little boy call another kid, "The mayor of London."

 

It's true, they did find that kids are bullying each other with Donald Trump's words. The good news is, most kids outgrow Trump's vocabulary by the time they're 11.

 

A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the "Take-a-Wish Foundation."

 

After 14 years, the CEO of J.Crew is stepping down. He said he wants to take a Gap year.

 

Vice-President Mike Pence's wife, Karen, has set up a hive of 15,000 bees at their residence. Meanwhile, Mike Pence said he won't be alone with the queen bee without a chaperone.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they're kicking off "Infrastructure Week." It's like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you.

 

Happy St. Comey's Day, everybody! Of course, everybody celebrates Comey Day in their own way. We're kind of traditionalists around here. We celebrated by watching TV and writing jokes as fast as we can.

 

Everybody was looking forward to the former FBI director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with Donald Trump. Because, remember, Comey wrote everything down. And all his memos are going to be collected in his new children's book: "James and the Guilty Orange."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Bachelorette Rachel used to date Kevin Durant of the Golden State Warriors. That's right, the star of "The Bachelorette" dated the star of the NBA final. Here at ABC, we call that synergy. The way it's shaping up, Rachel and Kevin could both get rings this year!

 

Meanwhile, in Washington, all eyes are off the court and on Congress for the main event tomorrow: former FBI director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump. Which, when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired, and then you get to trash talk your boss in front of the world?

 

We got a preview today of what Comey plans to share. The Senate released his prepared statement. President Trump was like, "you can prepare statements?"

 

Cleveland's chance of winning is a very long shot ... but you can't ever count LeBron James out. He is very competitive. This is a guy who wanted to win so badly, he became the first person ever to move back to Cleveland.

 

Melania Trump is finally moving into the White House next week. They broke the news to her yesterday. She's taking it pretty hard. She does not seem to be excited about leaving her penthouse in New York to move into what is essentially public housing.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

"Wonder Woman" made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, "Wonder Man" made $121 million for doing the same job.

 

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

Two Papa John's employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John's started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long.

 

A bar in Washington, D.C., will offer customers a free round of drinks every time President Trump tweets about former FBI director James Comey during his testimony tomorrow. That story again, a bar in Washington, D.C., is having a "going out of business" sale.

 

Forbes has published a new exposé on Eric Trump's charity golf tournaments, with a former employee saying that President Trump refused to let Eric use Trump properties free of charge, saying, "I don't care if it's my son or not -- everybody gets billed." And he means that. He does not care if Eric is his son.

 

According to reports, Ivanka Trump's Starbucks order is a "non-fat vanilla latte." Incidentally "non-fat" and "vanilla" is also how she likes her men.

 

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that, while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not issue decrees on things like LGBT discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBT is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination.

 

Passengers on a New York subway train were trapped last night for nearly an hour without lights or air conditioning after it lost power on the tracks. The passengers are OK, but the mariachi band was beaten to death.

 

Following salmonella outbreaks across the country, the Center for Disease Control is urging chicken owners to stop "snuggling" with their birds. Though if you're snuggling with chickens, salmonella is like your fifth biggest problem.