Late Laughs for the week of July 19 - 25, 2020

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

If you thought watching a talk show with no crowd was weird, wait until you see what President Trump did with his rally.


If Trump wants fewer people showing up for tests, he should just hold his next rally at a testing center.


Barber shops are open again. New Yorkers finally get to experience the awkwardness of a haircut without sports to talk about.


Trump visited the wall today, because in times of crisis it's important to be with your loved ones.


Dr. Fauci is optimistic about a vaccine after four months of working in the White House. He was like, "Look, by the end of the year I'm definitely injecting something into my veins."


There's a surge of coronavirus cases in Florida. The virus spent the winter in New York; now it's spending the summer in Florida. It's basically the opposite of my grandma.


The bad news is you can't go to Europe. Good news is your friend can't come back from Spain being like, "It's pronounced 'Barthelona.'"


No trips to Europe and no marathon? Your annoying friend from Instagram is going to have a full-on panic attack.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Right now America is basically a petri dish on the floor of a bus station men's room.


How you guys doing tonight? I can't hear you because I'm alone. So alone.


Health professionals were especially concerned because Trump would appear to be part of the cohort most at risk, as he has a common heart disease -- he doesn't have one.


The opposite of positive? You mean negative? I'm guessing in school you didn't test smart, you tested the opposite.


This is how it always happens! [Donald Trump] retweets someone saying he should fire somebody -- then his staff denies it, then he fires the person anyways and replaces them with the first guest he sees on Fox News. So get ready for the new director of Allergies and Infectious Disease, Kidd Rock!


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Trump's poor rally attendance may have been the result of the most powerful political forces in the world banding together. I am of course talking about K-Pop stans with TikTok accounts.


I've been waiting for four years to find some common ground with Trump voters. I just never thought that ground would be a dance floor.


Obviously the greatest scandal of our times is when Popeye's ran out of chicken sandwiches.


"Mr. Blue Sky" by ELO is the happiest song ever recorded. It beat out the second happiest song of all time -- any song that immediately follows "Baby Shark."


Scientists have recently discovered that mice now are smaller than they were 100 years ago. Obviously none of those scientists have ever been to Disneyland.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his campaign rally in Tulsa over the weekend, President Trump referred to the coronavirus as the quote "kung flu." Man, just when you thought he couldn't get any worse, why did you think that?


President Trump gave a speech in Arizona to a group of young Republicans. Of course, in Arizona the term "young Republican" refers to anyone who's only wearing one knee brace.


The aerospace company Virgin Galactic announced a new partnership with NASA yesterday to train astronauts for trips to the International Space Station. Though there hasn't been much interest yet for the trip back.


An extremely rare Star Wars action figure has gone up for auction and is expected to sell for more than $225,000. Apparently, it's an intricately sculpted figure of a female audience member.


Today was National Work from Home Day. And don't worry. If you missed it, celebrations will go all year long.