Late Laughs for the week of July 17 - 23

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It was a bit of a bumpy weekend for Joe Biden. He was in Delaware celebrating his 45th wedding anniversary when he had a little whoopsie-daisy [and fell of a bicycle]. ... The only thing falling faster is bitcoin. And Joe's approval ratings.


It's the first day of summer [June 21] ... and you know what that means: time to slip on the Speedo and dive head first into the Jan. 6 hearings, because this afternoon the committee held the fourth installment in a great summer beach read I'm calling "Scary Plotter and the Goblet of Liars."


[Lawyer John] Eastman is the one who came up with the plan to send alternate slates of fake electors to Washington from battleground states that Biden didn't want, and one of those states was Wisconsin. The [Jan. 6] Committee revealed a damning memo pushing for alternate electors from the former president's Wisconsin lawyer, Kenneth Chesebro. Really? A lawyer from Wisconsin named Cheese-bro? You must "brie" joking.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Starting tomorrow, COVID vaccine shots will be available to kids 5 and under. ... Meanwhile, Chuck E. Cheese was like, "Yeah, but I still wouldn't touch that ball pit."


According to a recent poll, most Americans do not want Biden or former president Trump to run again in 2024. In two years, Americans are going to walk into the voting booth like, "Um, can we choose none of the above?" ... It's a tough choice. People are like, "Do I want a guy who can't ride a bike or a guy who can't walk down a ramp?"


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Ukraine is expected to find out next week if it will be given candidate country status for European membership. It's the next key step in a process that could take years before Ukraine is admitted as a full European Union member. Finally, Ukraine is getting what it so desperately needs right now: a bunch of government paperwork.


Disney is now offering a 24-day private jet vacation package that takes you to every Disney park and resort in the world, and it will only set you back a very reasonable $110,000 per person. ... It includes three guides, a chef and a physician, plus a therapist who will try to get to the heart of why you are so profoundly empty inside.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Sean Hayes

It's great to be back on ABC. You know, I spent more than a decade at NBC on a little show, you probably never saw it, "Will and Grace"? Yeah, 75 years ago, "Will and Grace" was ahead of its time! We were the first sitcom to point out that rich white ladies named Karen were problematic.


Here's a tip I picked up over the years: You can save a lot on Father's Day cards if your dad abandoned you when you were a child. Just me? Too dark? ... But I like Father's Day. It's fun to see people posting old pictures of their dads who all looked like hot serial killers from the '70s.


Have any of you been watching the Stanley Cup finals? Game 3 was on ABC earlier tonight, and if you know me, you know I can't get enough of hockey. You get all dressed up and punch people in the face — it's like the Oscars on ice!


Today [June 21] is also known as the Summer Solstice — which is the longest day of the year. ... Out of all the days in the year, this is the one where we get the most sunlight. So, if you were still sad today, I hate to break it to you, but your seasonal depression is just regular depression.


Beyonce today [June 21] released her new single at midnight. So, if anyone was woken up by what sounded like the ecstatic scream of 10 million gay men, we're very sorry. The song is called "Break My Soul." I listened to it on YouTube, and it was so good I completely blacked out and threw my wallet at my computer.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

After President Biden fell off his bike over the weekend, former president Trump said he will "never, ever ride a bicycle." Oh, nobody thought you were going to. I mean, at least until you said you weren't, because if this is anything like your past promises, you'll be in the Tour de France next month.


The mayor of Moffat, Colorado, which has 70 [marijuana] dispensaries but only 120 residents, said in a new interview that she is considering changing the name of the town to Kush. Said residents: "Yeah, we know! You said the same thing, like, 20 minutes ago!"


Health officials in New Jersey this week discovered their first suspected case of monkeypox. And because it's Jersey, you know that's gonna be that guy's nickname forever. "Ey, oh, Monkeypox, we're gettin' beers!"


Pence also said in the interview [this week] that he will "always be proud to have served alongside President Trump," because, in the end, there is no bond stronger than Stockholm syndrome.


A man in the U.K. said in a new interview that he drank 30 cans of Pepsi a day for 20 years but ended his addiction after doing hypnotherapy. Man, that guy must have been hard to hypnotize! "You're getting very sleepy ..." "I'm really not! I'm wide awake!"