Late Laughs for the week of July 14 - 20, 2019

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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I hope everyone had a great Father's Day! Like a lot of people, I spent the day on FaceTime, looking up my dad's nose.


Later this year, Domino's is going to start testing self-driving delivery cars. Yeah, self-driving delivery cars. If your pizza doesn't crash into your house in less than 30 minutes, it's free.


Pillsbury is recalling bags of flour due to an outbreak of E. coli. So if you poke the Doughboy's stomach, trust me, it's not gonna be laughter that comes out.


O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. If you thought Trump on Twitter was scary, wait until you get a notification that says, "O.J. Simpson is now following you."


A United flight from Italy to Newark was infested with ants after a bunch of them spilled out of a passenger's carry-on. The other passengers were like, "We had to throw out our shampoo, but that guy got to bring ants??"


Facebook is coming out with its own cryptocurrency called "Libra." Yeah, the company that can't even keep your data safe now wants to keep your money. It's like someone dropping a carton of eggs, then asking if they can hold your baby.


Tomorrow is the official start of summer! I'm very excited, but my legs are still so pale. They're so white, I've nicknamed them "Utah" and "NPR."


My legs are so white they could have their own show on Fox News.


We are just two days away from the official start of summer! Which means kids are forced to take those summer jobs nobody else wants -- pool cleaner, delivery boy, White House press secretary.


A lot of people are surprised that Trump would get together with a Spanish-speaking channel, but the president was like, "If Katy Perry and Taylor Swift can make up, so can we."


An Iranian general named Hossein Salami says they're ready for war. Trump's already got troops in Turkey ready for action, but Putin's warning the White House against a conflict. So if you're keeping track: we've got Salami and Turkey on white, hold the Russian.


Reporters asked Trump if the U.S. is gonna strike back at Iran, and Trump said, "You'll soon find out." That's reassuring -- the president is treating war with Iran like a cliffhanger on "The Bachelorette."


Apparently this morning, Iran shot down a U.S. drone. When they told the president, he was like, "Oh my God, they got Mike Pence?!"


The White House says Trump is going to keep using the slogan "Make America Great Again," and wearing his usual red hat. It's like when your kid only wants to wear that one superhero outfit to school, and you're like, "Whatever gets you on the bus."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Despite what you may have heard, I do still feel like London is my home. I do. If one more person tries to tell me that I've gone Hollywood, I tell you, I am gonna pour my juice cleanse right over their head.


I came to the U.K. to get away from the shallow, superficial culture of Los Angeles, and now I find out that Big Ben is getting a facelift. It's like I never left.


Theresa May is the second prime minister to resign rather than sort out this whole Brexit mess. One more and we all get a free coffee.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

O.J. Simpson is on Twitter now … . He's only been on Twitter for like four days -- he's already got almost 700,000 followers. The last time O.J. had this many people following him, he was on the 405 headed to the Mexican border.


President Trump kicked off his 2020 comedy tour last night in Orlando. He had a campaign rally at the Amway Center. There were more red hats and dirty beards than an unsanctioned Santa convention at this thing.


At the White House today, Trump hosted the prime minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, with whom he's had a somewhat contentious relationship. You know you have a hothead president when you have to defuse tensions with Canada.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The fruit company Driscoll's has announced it will begin selling raspberries and strawberries meant to taste like rosé. While Franzia is still trying to make a wine that does that.


According to a new study, half of married people wish they had been able to relax and enjoy their wedding day. The other half are called "grooms."


Lawmakers in New York state have reportedly resumed negotiations on a stalled bill to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. I guess if everybody's high, at least the trains will seem fast.


According to a new poll, more than 60 percent of Americans believe that Facebook has too much power. Said people who took the poll, "What? I didn't take that poll … "


During an interview yesterday, President Trump asked his chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, to leave the room after Mulvaney coughed while he was speaking. Which is weird, but at least it explains why Melania started smoking unfiltered Pall Malls.


President Trump announced plans this week to help people who leave prison find jobs. As opposed to his current program, where he gives people jobs and then they go to prison.


Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg said in a new interview that he is "almost certain" that America has already had presidents who were gay. And I'm not saying he's right, but when he said it, the presidential portrait of James Buchanan somehow winked.


President Trump held a rally in Orlando, Florida, tonight to officially launch his re-election campaign. You're launching your re-election campaign? You've been running for re-election since your second day in office! You talk about 2020 more than a guy who just got Lasik.


After President Trump announced on Twitter last night that immigration officials will begin mass arrests and deportations of people in the United States illegally, administration officials said they were not aware Trump would discuss the plan publicly. Oh you weren't aware? Have you not met him? That's like going to see Billy Joel and getting upset that he played "Piano Man."