Late Laughs for the week of July 12- 18, 2020

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

If God submitted the year 2020 to "Black Mirror," they would have rejected the script. Come on, a plague? Racial unrest? A racist demagogue with a base coat of global warming? Pick a lane!


In New York, roughly 600 plainclothes officers have been reassigned to new roles, effective immediately. The reassigned officers were part of a special unit in the NYPD known as the anti-crime unit … aren't all police officers the anti-crime unit? If there's a pro-crime unit, they really ought to reassign those guys, too.


Telling people they can't have something just makes them want it more! That's why the Disney Vault exists! I don't give a damn about it, but now I'm hell-bent on owning "The Aristocats" on Blu-ray!


Costco has announced their free samples will return this month. Finally it's safe for shoppers to return to eating a tiny square of cheese off a big tray of tiny squares of cheese and room-temperature turkey sausage that has been sitting out for hours.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The court decided employers can't fire workers based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. They'll have to stick to the usual reason workers get fired: not muting themselves on Zoom.


Due to the pandemic, Walmart is testing a store that only offers self-checkout. It's to limit human interaction, and to increase interaction with buttons that thousands of people touch.


Trump might also sue his niece for the tell-all book she's writing -- at this point, Trump's sued more books than he's read.


Quaker Oats is retiring it's famed Aunt Jemima line of food products. Meanwhile, the Washington Redskins were like, "Don't look up. Don't look up. They can't see us if we don't look up. Crap, they saw us."


Giving someone a CD isn't diplomacy, it's how you tell someone you have a crush on them in the eighth grade.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

On Sunday, Donald Trump turned 74. Seventy-four years ago, Rosemary had a baby. And that little baby grew into a bigger baby. And now that big, old baby is our president.


Johnson & Johnson announced via Instagram their plan to help heal our nation's wounds -- a line of racially inclusive Band-Aids. Good for Band-Aids for finally opening things up beyond the shade they've been using for a hundred years, a color known internally as "Ed Sheeran's Neck."


I'll be honest, I almost forgot about the impeachment trial. At this point, that feels like a Hulu show I was really into and then hated the ending of.


Remember when Trump was pushing hydroxychloroquine as a coronavirus miracle drug? Well, the FDA this week withdrew their support for it, and now the government is stuck with 66 million useless doses. So I guess we know what the Trumps will be giving trick or treaters for Halloween for the next 30 years.


This Father's Day is tricky because, usually, all dad really wants is to secretly get high in the garage, but they've already been doing that every day since March, so good luck!


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a report, the game show "Jeopardy!" has run out of new episodes to air. So now, if you wanna answer a hundred questions in a half-hour, you'll have to have a 4-year-old like the rest of us.


Republican party officials announced last week that this year's convention will be held in Jacksonville, Florida. And even hearing that was enough for Mike Pence to sunburn.


According to an unpublished book, President Trump's daughter, Ivanka, used to refer to first lady Melania Trump as "The Portrait" because of how little she speaks. And also because, if Trump touches her, an alarm goes off.


Vice-President Mike Pence wrote a Wall Street Journal op-ed yesterday titled, "There Isn't a Coronavirus 'Second Wave.'" Well, that's kinda like saying there isn't a sequel to "Black Panther." There's definitely gonna be, and it's gonna be even bigger and you're gonna hate it.


Officials in California announced yesterday that a statue of Christopher Columbus will be removed from the State Capitol rotunda. Said the statue, "California?! I thought this was Indonesia!"